Greatest Hardcore Band Names of All Time

Three days. Four Stages. Over 100 hardcore bands, featuring activities like “Pig’s-Head Volleyball,” “Fluorescent Light Bulb Sword Fights,” and who could forget the infamous “Inappropriate Use of Fire Extinguishers.” This was the event that started it all. It was here where your beloved Insultants gathered the inspiration to create their very own hardcore tour. You see it wasn’t so much the unintelligible lyrics, the angry dark youth of America, or even the ludicrous volume of unidentified bodily fluids that seemed to just hang in the air, as it was merely the band names themselves.

So without further adieu, I present to you “The Anal Sunshine Tour/Fester/Feasterhole” brought to you by the Insultants. We had many bands to consider for the tour, given that together we compiled over six pages of potential band names. That being said, here’s just a taste. It might help if before reading each band name out loud, you, in your best Axel Rose say, “Ladies and Gentlemen…We are (insert band name here) !”

BLOOD FART
BROWN EYE FOR THE DEAD GUY
SPHINCTER CULT
LIQUID NEWARK
SHART ATTACK
GODZILLA’S HORSE APPLE
LUCIFER’S SKID MARK
JITT FLICKERS
NURSING HOME TRASHCAN
FRUIT OF THE DOOM

As always we would be more than happy to review any suggestions you wish to submit.

Everyone Knows a Jerry

No matter who you are, everybody knows a Jerry. A Jerry or Jerr is someone who consistently gets shit on by their employer/workplace. As it turns out, our Jerry happens to be the groundskeeper/event coordinator/toilet deplugger for a local performance space where we do a lot of work. Nicest guy you ever want to meet. Here’s the kicker…If you ever wanted to meet our Jerr, your best bet would be to show up to the Rite (the venue where Jerr works) on his day off because out of the 365 days in a year, Jerr probably works about 366. And it never fails, poor Jerr is always up to his ears in shit, untangling some mess left in the wake of some rock ‘n’ roll tour that in some respect has totally shit the bed.

True story…Once upon a time, a truck driver from a tour, which will remain nameless, decided to top off Jerr’s diesel scissor lift with fuel. I know what you’re thinking, and no he didn’t use regular unleaded fuel. However, to Jerr’s surprise, the driver had actually topped off the lift’s hydraulic reservoir with diesel. TO…THE…BRIM….Holy shit!

Naturally it’s crap like this that just gives us material for days. So here’s a fun kind of role play you can try at home and I’ll give you some examples. First, you want to begin by miming a phone call to your Jerr, with the greeting “Hey Jerr, It’s (insert any name here) from the Rite.” Next, introduce some bad news pertaining to a situation that will most definitely require Jerr’s attention. Here’s where you get to pile on the shit. Be sure to add a farewell including some aspect of Jerr’s personal life that you have interrupted by calling him into the office.

Examples:

Hey Jerr, It’s Neil from the Rite…Anyway, you know those wasp nests you cleared out of the cross space for us last year? Well they’re back. We’re going to need you to head down here ASAP and work your magic again. By the way, tell the wife I said happy anniversary! Later Jerr

Or

Hey Jerr, It’s Dale from the Rite…Anyway, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for ya. Yeah, we’re going to have to let you go…..Down to the septic tank with a putty knife and see if you can’t jar some of that shit loose. Now Jerr, don’t forget the Golden Rule. Always keep your snorkel hole well above the shit line, or else you’ll be in a whole world of shit yourself. Oh and I packed you a lunch, but the five second rule does not apply so don’t go droppin any Doritos down there. Gonna need that done today. Hey I almost forgot…Merry Christmas!

Or

Hey Jerr, Neil again from the Rite. We had a nice GWAR concert in here last night. Anyway, it was like a freakin Gallagher Slege-o-Matic act in here, and I’m afraid tarps just weren’t in the budget. However, in a pinch we were able to throw together some Woolite and a toothbrush. I know you’re at your mom’s funeral, but if you could close the lid on that thing, throw on your waiters, and get down here, we could really use a hand. Thanks Jerr.

Share this with your friends. Trust me you’ll have a great time trying to top each other. The Insultants would also love to here some of your “Hey Jerr’s,” so please let us know what you come up with.