Headboy’s History is a Little Foggy

A tribute to shitty private-school educators, Starring: Headboy, Son of a Bitch, and the Bitter I.T. Guy.

Headboy: F.Y.I…. Post Office is closed
Son of a Bitch: Uh yeah dipshit. It’s a Holiday

Headboy: Huh?
Son of a Bitch: Yep. Dr. King dude.

Headboy: The fight promoter?
Son of a Bitch: No dude…That’s Don King

Headboy: Wait, are you trying to tell me that they created a holiday for da old guy wit da big shoulders and da suspenders.
Son of a Bitch: Larry King? What are you retarded?

Headboy: Oh as in “have it your way.”
Son of a Bitch: That’s Burger King asshole. You can’t be serious.

Headboy: No, I know. I kid. Hell of a tennis player though.
Son of a Bitch: Who?
Headboy: Billy Jean King
Son of a Bitch: (Open mouthed, just glares at Headboy)

Headboy: Na dude, I’m just fuckin with ya. The Pharaoh right.
Son of a Bitch: That’s King Tut.

Headboy: (Closes eyes and begins to hum a familiar Elton John tune)
Son of a Bitch: What? No… No! That’s the Lion King fuckface.

Son of a Bitch: And no, before you even say it, he didn’t scale the Empire State Building while taking heavy fire from biplanes either.

Headboy: (Pauses and nods as shit eating grin emerges) Had you going didn’t I? C’mon dude, you’ve seen my Blues collection. I own every one of his albums.

Son of a Bitch: B.B. King! Took ya long enough!
Headboy: (Laughing) You should have seen the look on your face. (Walks away, but not before giving Son of a Bitch a “good game” ass pat)

Bitter I.T. Guy: Did that really just happen?
Son of a Bitch: Yep.

Bitter I.T. Guy: You really going to let him go on thinking that today we’re celebrating the accomplishments of blues legend B.B. King?
Son of a Bitch: Yep pretty much. Besides, that was the closest he came to being right.

THE END?

###Work in progress. Please continue this diatribe of retardedness, in script form if possible, under the comments section of this blog.

Quest for the Tastiest Christ

Honestly I don’t even know where to begin with this one. As you’ll soon find, what started as “The Quest for the Tastiest Christ,” quickly snowballed into a veritable “holy smorgasbord,” or some sort of “Christian cornucopia.” You see, the theory is as follows…Many of us know what the wafer tastes like in the United States, but we wondered if it’s possible that the flavor varies from country to country or region to region. After all, if there is a tastier Christ somewhere out there, well Goddamn it, we want it. Surprise surprise, none of us were actually motivated enough to travel the world and find the “Tasty Grail.” Instead, we speculated what you might find. I can’t even begin to try to organize the minutes from last night’s meeting, so I think it’s best if I just copy the notes here word for word. It’s essentially broken down into region/nationality with a flavor description, followed by cuisine i.e. breakfast and dinner specialties. Oh and I almost forgot the condiments. Don’t ask me…I wasn’t there, which kinda sucks because there had to be more drinking than usual going on. I have to admit though that I think it’s kind of funny that the guys came up with a Jewish Christ flavor. Come on! That just doesn’t make any fucking sense. Whatever… I got nothing… Enjoy!

“Quest for the Tastiest Christ”

American Christ – Flavor similar to a packing peanut.
French Christ – (light and flakey) – croissant-esque
Scottish Christ – Christ Blood Pudding
Mexican Christ – Tortilla-Corn based
Jewish Christ – Baked not fried, oven fresh also described as non-existent in flavor
Chinese Christ – Moo Goo Gai Christ
Puerto Rican Christ – Christ and Beans
Italian Christ – Christ filled cannoli
Indian Christ – Curry Christ
Lesbian Christ – Furry Christ a.k.a. carpet o’ Christ
Irish Christ – Simply a tater tot
African Christ – (Click-click-pop Christ) It’s all in the tongue.
German Christ – Weiner Christenschnitzel

***Breakfast Christ

Christ on a Shingle
Lucky Christ
Instead of Life…After Life…”Mikey Likes Christ”
Christ Mix
Special “J”
Cinnamon Toast Christ
Honey Bunches of Christ
Pope Tarts (Individually wrapped in glass bubbles)
Nutri Christ Bars

***Dinner Christ

Chicken Cordon Christ
Hot’postles
Christ n’ Cheese
God Gnash
Reverend Raviolis
Bishops n’ Beer

***Condiments

Burning Bush Seasoning
Salsa and Gomorrah
Extra Virgin Mary Oil