insultants

For starters let me set the back story. There are going to be some things mentioned in this story that might not be familiar to all of you. I’m gonna lay out some definitions first, then if need be you can refer back to then as you see fit.

Connie’s = Connie Macs Irish Pub
Roney’s = Smallest 24hr diner know to man. Seriously it’s a coffee bar that has a full diner menu. The building has less square footage than a shipping container.

OK, here it goes (this is gonna be fun, I’ve been drinking). I went to Connie’s to get some beer tonight. Big surprise. I ran into Justin. We closed the place then went to Roney’s to eat. No big deal. We’re just about done eating (there are two other people in the place, one of those two is the waitress/cook). Person number four, who will be called “dude” from here on out, decides that Justin and I need to know his criminal record, family history and any and all possible allergy problems. He was a very nice guy, but he decided he had to continually tell this story about how he had gotten a ticket earlier that night for taking a piss in public…in Glassboro. We proceeded to try and explain to him that Glassboro was a college town and he probably would have gotten a ticket for farting in public. Dude goes on to explain him and his boys were leaving a bar. Here we go again. Big surprise. Dude continues on with this story which ends at some point in time with him explaining that he didn’t even go there to drink he just went to sell his boy some pot. By this time I was already finished my meal and ready cut my own throat with a duller-than-a-spoon butter knife. Why? Because I had had enough. I wanted to go home. I was out of coffee and I was out of food. I guess the moral of this story would be (there are several).

Don’t stop and take a piss at random in Glassboro.
Don’t talk to drunk strangers.
Don’t talk to anyone you don’t know at 3:15am just because they might not stop talking…ever.
If you are going to sell pot, make your friends pick it from your house.
And last but not least, if you see a hobo. Kill him.

Strow

Headboy almost crapped his pants when he saw this…

…That was after approximately 20 minutes of uninterrupted laughter.

Strow

Now that I have your attention. Sorry for the cheap gag, but I’ve always wanted to do that. I want to talk about booze. I’m going to try and refrain from drinking while writing this. It may not work, but I will try anyway. So beer as we know it today has been through many years of changes and refinements. Here are a few random facts that I have heard/possibly remembered wrong.

Back in 1040 some monks made some beer. They still brew beer there today.
The US Army Veterans Association considers drinking more than one beer once a week alcoholism. I myself am not a Vet, but I would imagine seeing combat would lead most people to drink. More than one beer. Per week. Interesting fact especially in the wake of the attempt to lower the drinking age for soldiers.
All college kids drink light beer. When in fact all college kids drink is cheap beer. I will not take the time to explain this further. If that doesn’t make any sense to you, call me. I’ll stop the world so you can get off.
A night of drinking to much Guinness and Jägermeífter will make you vomit a pure black liquid that resembles a mid-weight motor oil. Don’t ask for details on quantity. I can’t remember.
All cheap beer tastes the same. They don’t all taste the same, but they do all taste cheap. I myself happen to enjoy the taste of cheap beer.
All Light/Lite beer tastes the same. Yet again, no. That being said, most of them still suck.
What the fuck was a Zima?

Yes, I know some of those aren’t facts. So what. I’m just bothered by the fact that drinking is always looked down upon by those who have never touched a drop. Now I’m not saying that they have to go get blitzed to understand alcohol, but look at history. Town meetings used to be held in Pubs. Beer was once safer to drink than water. We might actually be getting back to that soon. I would rather buy a case of beer than a case of water. I’m sure I’m not the only one. Personally, if it wasn’t for Irish Whiskey I would have never had a cup of coffee. So that is an exaggeration, but it is a large part of the reason why I drink coffee today. Mmm…Irish Whiskey. Sorry drifted off for a bit.
I understand all of the negative that surrounds alcohol today. I understand that drinking in higher quantity takes more responsibility, and or the ability to pass out before getting to the point where you are dancing on your neighbors lawn wearing nothing but a lamp shade singing New Kids on the Block songs. I guess my point is that alcohol itself isn’t the problem. You are.

Strow

If this was Easter Sunday’s Service, I would have gotten front row seats.

Stay tuned to find out who get bashed next…

Just for the record; I am an unbiased asshole. If you haven’t been insulted yet, wait your damn turn.

Strow

I would like to wish everyone a merry…that’s not it…joyous…that’s not it either. I guess it’s a Happy Easter Sunday. Why is it happy, we may never know. I’ve heard something about Jesus forgiving everybody’s sins. Let’s be honest. One guy, messiah or not is hardly gonna cover the shit I’ve done. The amount of dead baby jokes alone warrants at least the lives of two or three pure sinless suckers. One guy, one cross ain’t gonna cover the sins of man. All the sins of man through time. I will however do the honorable thing and raise a glass of egg yolk and toast Christ for trying. *Cheers* On that note Happy Easter you sons of bitches. That is Happy Easter to everyone but those of you who are Jewish. It’s your fault that this holiday exists. Your the ones that decided he should die. Jerks.

Strow