insultants

If I walked up to the person standing next to you and kicked them in the nuts, you would probably laugh. If you don’t you should check your pulse, then cover your balls because you are next.
Violence in video games is funny. There is not a more satisfying feeling than blowing someone away in HALO and watching their corpse fly off into oblivion.. And then there is the tea bag. Not so much violent as is is degrading. Funny none the less. Go watch some stuff on YouTube. People getting hit with shit is hilarious. Now I am not saying we should just start beating the hell out of each other at random for a few laughs. I am saying beat the shit out of each other and film it and post it on the internet so we can have millions of laughs. Lets face facts here people, when somebody clocks you with a plunger, the only person that isn’t laughing is you. Why because you are the butt of the joke. Speaking of butts, watching someone fall on this ass is just hilarious as watching them get clocked. If they don’t hurt themselves really bad, that’s even better. It’s OK to laugh at somebody when they get hurt. You know for a fact they would be laughing at you if you were the asshole. It is however, frowned upon to still be laughing when the ambulance arrives. Have some commonsense. Now I know that’s asking a lot from some of you, but I believe that even the biggest idiot does something intelligent at least once a day…Maybe it’s once a week. Screw it.
Everybody needs to loosen up. A properly timed foot in the way is such an old gag, but it still makes people laugh. I’m gonna lay out some guide lines for those of you who have no idea when or when not to execute such an act.
Bad timing;
- When you are at work.
- When you are in a church.
- When attending a funeral (rigging the corpse to wave at people is a good alternative, except for the fact that this may cause a heart attack or two among the living, thus making you have to attend more funerals. Funerals in general are never fun).
- When the target is holding a sharp object. Examples: scissors, razor blade(s), a Scottish Claymore or a porcupine, just to name a few.

Good Timing:
- When the target is holding a cake
- When the target is getting up from receiving a nut shot.
- After church.
- In front of a large crowd, like at a concert or something of the sort.
- In front of children. Isn’t there some saying about the laughter of children being contagious?
- In front of anyone of the opposite sex.

Now I know there are a bunch more of these, but there is no way I’m going to give away all of my secrets.
Strow

This is a tribute.
Big Steel Toe has moved on. He will be missed.
It wasn’t the Guinness that got him.
It wasn’t the lung cancer.
It wasn’t even the consumption of nothing but red meat.
It was definitely not his time to go. He was to young. It’s ashame when someone you know is suddenly gone. You knew deep down inside this day was going to come. You always thought there would be more time. You procrastinated like you always do, just to be able to cope with the fact that life as you know it will be changed forever. The lives of those around you too. There will be some tears, but ultimately there will be a celebration with friends and family raising a glass to toast what was and what will be. Nothing will be the same.
I will conclude this by stating that it was a beautiful wedding and I wish the two of you the best of luck. Say goodbye to the single life.

Strow

Have you ever noticed how hard it is to get through a whole day without wondering how some people have actually survived in a functional society all these years? I do. I wonder everyday. Idiots are making my life miserable. When I get up in the morning (or afternoon) I’m afraid to leave my house. Not because I have some severe disorder or horrible allergies, but because I will inevitably encounter an idiot. I will not only see them act like an idiot, but I will have to interact with them for some reason. I have heard from some people that I can be offensive. No shit. Thanks for pointing that out. What bothers me is when people feel the need to explain that I have “No Filter.” As much as I hate to admit this, those people are right. It didn’t used to be this way. Somebody used to do something stupid and my response would be to chuckle a bit quietly and go about my day. Now I feel the need to laugh at you hysterically and point it out to everyone within a three mile radius. If you’re an idiot you deserve to be made fun of, constantly. You cause me a lot of stress, anger and headaches because I have to deal with your dumbass everyday. I will need to go somewhere, or buy something, pretty much anywhere in public I am bound to witness astounding stupidity. This affliction is not confined to race, creed, or even age. It is the general population that is out and about that is the problem. Here are a few things that have recently made me want give myself a lobotomy;
- Drivers that have no idea why we refer to the left lane as “the fast lane”
- People that don’t know how to use an ATM. If you don’t get it, turn in your damn debit card and right a fucking check. If I see you standing in line holding a checkbook, I am still mad, but I am not surprised. When I see someone insert a debit card into an ATM I have an expectation. I expect they know how to use the damn ATM.
- People in bars that have no idea what they want to order until they have already wasted 5 minutes of the bartender’s time.
- Drivers that don’t use turn signals. Hey douche bags, I am not a mind reader. Inform me of what you are going to do before you do it, not while you’re doing it.
By the way, I do not suffer from road rage. I am constantly angry with idiots, not just when I’m driving.
- People who bitch about the fact that they are overweight, when they are indeed not. Stop fishing for pity compliments. The are awkward and meaningless. Just like every relationship you have ever had.
- People that feel the need to point out I am offensive. I know I already said this, but I guarantee some idiot has already forgotten that point.

I’m sure some of you with an average, or above average IQ are wondering why I would want to lobotomize myself. For the morons, a lobotomy would destroy part of my brain…”Hey wait a minute wouldn’t that make you an idiot?” Said the dumbass. Yes it would make me an idiot, just like you. That is the whole problem with being stupid. It’s not like cancer, where you are aware of it an can actively treat it. Stupidity is not visible to the stupid. Idiot’s don’t know they’re idiots unless you tell them. By the way, after you tell them. They will still be to stupid to do something about it.
In conclusion, yes a lobotomy would make me an idiot. But from what I can tell I will stand to gain one substantial attribute…I will no longer be annoyed by other stupid people. I won’t be able to tell if they are dumb anymore. That my friends, would make me happy.

I hope today is the day you don’t have to have a close encounter with an idiot.
Strow

- If a tree falls on a hippie and no one is around, does he still smell?

- Al Gore DID in fact invent the internet. Chuck Norris beat it out of him.

- Global Warming may, or may not be a reality. Either way Gore still stands to make some green.

- Biodegradable Toilet Paper is a very nice way to market the worst feeling single ply toilet paper ever made.

To celebrate Earth Day I planted a tree. I drove just about 100 miles round trip to and from the site to watch somebody else plant a tree. I guess I should modify my original statement…
To celebrate Earth Day I polluted the atmosphere.

- Use natural light as much as you can. You can take the money you saved, and go more buy sunscreen.

One of the best things you can do for the environment is to insulate your house properly. If you have an old house that is very drafty, you can always light your neighbors house on fire for warmth in the winter.

Shave the Planet!
Strow

Dear Mother Earth,
Fuck you. I am not a wasteful person. Aside from my giant gas guzzling SUV. But I seriously need one of those. There is no way in hell I could run down hobos with a Prius. Granted it would be real easy to sneak up on them (like you earth friendlies do to deaf people). I’m starting to get the feeling that you don’t want us here. You are not taking the time to replenish all of our valuable resources, and worst of all you will not let any of our wasteful dirty air away from us without giving everyone skin cancer. You are a prick. A good mother would take care of it’s wretched spawn, whether or not they were spoiled as all hell. You probably killed those damn dinosaurs because they ate to much of your precious greenery. Stop being such a big whiny bitch. I have no problems with renewable energy. I’m all for solar and wind power generation. I will do my part to create less waste. But you have crossed the line. I will by no means have a “green” funeral. Once I am dead I will continue to haunt your core by be placed into the ground in a non biodegradable container. Plans are already in the works to be the one and only person to have a coffin made out of nothing but hazardous materials. Everyone in attendance at my funeral will be required to wear a hazmat suit and carry a Geiger counter. My prototype currently includes these materials:
- Asbestos tiles
- Radioactive waste
- At least one gallon of lead paint laced with meth and crack-cocaine
- All fasteners will be made out of the sharpened bones of animals I regularly ate while I was alive
- One metric ton of the most chemically laden epoxy that is on the market.
- Old tires
- New tires
- C-4, not because of it’s environmental impact, but because explosives are fun
I plan use the C-4 to make sure I cannot come back as a zombie. Once the coffin is closed the detonator will arm. If the coffin is then opened, a nice explosion will blast my remains (and other harmful chemicals) into a one square mile radius of my current deceased location.
I guess all I’m trying to say is that you have gotten soft. Fine, I will make some amends now to lead a greener life, but I’m warning you don’t mess with my pollution filled funeral. There will be hell to pay if I get stuck in the ground in a shroud of used toilet paper just because it is good for the environment. Green funerals can kiss my ass. Actually, everyone can kiss my ass. I’m going to be buried face down. Just because I can.
In closing, I will restate my point just in case you do not take the time to read this whole letter. Mother Earth, fuck you. You selfish bitch.

Strow