insultants

This is a tribute to all of those that celebrate the holidays in a slightly different way. This is also for those that don’t celebrate. After reading these suggestions you may want to start some traditions of your own.
Here is a list of activities, and possibly mean spirited or just plain gross alternatives to time honored tradition.

Easter
Most people would…
Dye hard boiled eggs with small children and their pets.
Alternative…
Dye your neighbor’s (insert type of animal your neighbor owns here).
Throw dyed eggs at people.
Hell, just throw eggs at people. Save the food coloring for their pets.

Most people would…
Have an Easter Egg Hunt.
Alternative…
Have an Easter Egg Hunt, but with bear traps set around all of the eggs.
Have an Easter Egg Hunt in an abandoned mine field.
Have an Easter Egg Hunt, but fill the eggs with Mace or Pepper Spray. Mustard Gas is also a good option.

Most people would…
Prepare Easter Baskets for family members.
Alternative…
Prepare mail bombs for enemies.

Ramadan
Most people would…
Fast.
Alternative…
Eat something.

Hanukkah
Most Jews would…
Gamble with a Dridel.
Alternative…
Gamble with your life. Play Russian Roulette.

Most Jews would…
Spend seven nights lighting the Menorah.
Alternative…
Spend seven days burning trash, leaves and starting forest fires.

The Day of the Dead
Most people would…
Honor their deceased relatives.
Alternative…
Add more relatives to their list for next year.

Passover
Most people would…
Eat only Kosher food.
Alternative…
Eat only Germans.

St. Patrick’s Day
Most People would…
Eat Ham or Corned Beef with Cabbage. Also drink…a lot.
Alternative…
Seriously? You thought I was going to change this holiday? Go drink a damn green beer and shut up.

Malcolm X’s Birthday
Most people would…
Celebrate unity.
Alternative…
Attempt to unite people by welding them together in a medical procedure that I will only refer to as highly unsuccessful to date.

If I offended anyone, you probably shouldn’t read anything else on this website…ever.

Strow