insultants

Take a look at your calendar. As usual on this date, the internet is buzzing with joyous hippies, elated stoners and all those angry people who still support D.A.R.E.
This year let’s try something different. Don’t just smoke pot and be happy. Smoke pot and go beat the shit out of a dirty hobo. Yeah, that’s what I said. Go beat a hobo. Hobos are a pimple on the ass of society. For all the straight edge out there, just go beat a hobo. Don’t focus your efforts hating on the potheads. On 4-20 everyone should be happy. Because you should be stoned. We should celebrate life, unity and the pursuit of making pot legal. Let’s make hobos illegal. Face it people, a hobo is just a combination of a dirty bum and a hitchhiker. There is nothing good about that. Pot on the other hand is not only a fun recreational drug, but it also works great as medication. Marijuana isn’t a gateway drug either. I don’t care what you say. Your pot dealer is usually the gateway. They always know “a guy,” that can get you anything else. They’re like sales people that get points for referrals. Now I know some of you still aren’t convinced. Fine, here is a example of why pot should be legal as shown by the effects of being high v. being drunk (subject in example is either ex-frat boy or dumb meat head).

Booze
Guy goes to bar, comes home horny and smelling of booze. Wife is angry and goes to bed. Dude goes back to bar, gets in fight and goes to jail.

Pot
Guy goes over to friends and smokes a couple joints and plays video games. Guy goes home kisses his wife on the cheek, eats a sandwich and passes out. No fighting, no jail time, just sleep.

Now there is some amount of exaggeration in that story, but not much. Where is the harm in that? So back to my point. Legalize marijuana and regulate it, and make money on it instead of wasting money trying to stop it. Make hobos illegal. Why? Somebody has to have a battle to fight. If Marijuana became legal, people would go after booze…Again. When that doesn’t work they’ll go after something else like bunnies or some shit. The Masses need a cause, a scapegoat of sorts. Stop bitching about pot and start bitching about hobos. You ever tried to smoke a hobo? Doesn’t have the same aroma as the Mary Jane. Even if you clean them and dry them out, they still smell like failure and banjos.

The Official Norml Website

Disclaimer: I do not advocate the beating of hobos. Well I do actually. But here is the deal, if you want to beat a hobo fine. Not because I said you should, but because you want to. I will not be held responsible for any hobo deaths (unless it is by my own hand). Nor will the excuse, “But I just do what the internet tells me to do,” work in a court of law.

Happy 4-20.
Strow

I am not an art critic. I don’t go to museums on any kind of regular basis. I don’t know a whole lot about famous artists. What I do know is pointing out when people fail. Chaining up a dog and starving it to death is not art. I am not an animal rights activist. If for any means you are going to kill an animal, eat it afterwards. The only waste should be the hot steaming pile that you leave in the can after you have digested your dog sandwich. Just another one for the animal lovers out there. In Korea dog is considered a delicacy. Now I understand that “art lies in the eyes of the beholder.” So what? Commonsense should be readily available to everyone also…well apparently not to Guillermo Vargas, or the idiots that judged the so called art competition. Throwing shit at a piece of canvas in random patterns is also considered art. I personally disagree, but that’s what I do. Because I am an asshole. Deal with it. Art can be defined in many ways. Letting a dog starve to death isn’t art, and I can prove it. If hurting dogs was art, Micheal Vick would still being playing football in the NFL. I won that round, let me get you a spoon so you can eat my ass.

Next on my list of art = you are a pile of burning tires;
Aliza Shvarts. Now this chick is completely unstable. She is an Art Major at Yale. Imagine how bad her parents wanted to choke her dumbass when they found out she was going to Yale…to study art. Fuck. If I got accepted into Yale, I would probably major in something that warranted spending that much money. So this psycho hose beast decides that her senior art project is going to be dead babies. For those of you that don’t know me, I am no stranger to a good dead baby joke. Funny is funny, get over it. So Shvarts decides to artificially inseminate herself and then she takes any drug she could to have a miscarriage. What a dumb bitch. She has been video taping these forced miscarriages and saving shit like blood samples to display as art. So here we are, we have outlawed stem cell research because…Actually I don’t know why. I thought it was a good idea. Whatever. So this bitch gets to waste a bunch of sperm and film it? If she wanted guys to see her vagina so bad why didn’t she do what every other college slut does? Go to a frat party and get drunk.

Here are some facts that I have been able to deduce from this pile of shit;
- Bitch has mental problems.
- Professor turned down original idea. She was going to film her periods over the course of nine months. Some reference was made it that not being “edgy” enough.
- She must have blown her way into Yale.
- She didn’t learn a damn thing about art at Yale.
- She didn’t learn a damn thing at Yale, except how to have an abortion. (If you are a chick and you are going to learn about how to perform a home abortion, college is usually when you figure that out anyway.)
- Oh and last but not least. Yale must be the worst art school…EVER.

Right now there are teams of kids in places like MIT and Harvard that are laughing their asses off. MIT gets a movie about kids scamming casinos for millions. Yale gets dead babies as art. Start sending your transcripts now bitches.

I’m almost afraid to admit how much I was laughing while looking this up. I know it doesn’t sound funny, but seriously. I think I’m going to become an artist. I’m gonna walk out onto the street and shoot the first person I see doing something stupid. Once they hit the ground and the pool of blood starts to clot, I will take a picture. It will be titled “Consequences” or maybe “Idiot I just shot in the face to prove this is not art, but homicide.”

I might have to give up. This shit is just writing itself anymore. Maybe I’ll try and start a revolution. From now on when you see somebody act like a moron, don’t call them an idiot. Just call them an “Artist” look at them with disdain and sadness, and walk away.

Strow

Well, it is now April 16th. Your taxes should have already been filed. Our economy is in the shitter. There is a good chance you may be getting a few dollars back. You can take solace in the fact that Wesley Snipes may go to jail for up to three year because he didn’t pay his taxes. What a douche. Did he figure nobody would notice? It’s not like he makes $10.00/hr pumping gas. I guess he just figured he was to cool to pay taxes. Ah whatever. He probably won’t serve a minute in jail. All that money he saved on not paying his taxes for years should afford him a really good lawyer. Speaking of tax law can you right off hookers? Not for yourself, but for clients…I think that’s considered a business expense, but I couldn’t figure out where to put it on my return. Well there is always next year.

May your tax refund arrive before April 20th so you can celebrate by buying a bag of the best bud you can find/afford.

Strow

Pro: You have the time and freedom to do what you want, when you want to.
Con: You do not have the money to do anything.

Pro: You can do odd jobs for people to make good old fashion tax free money.
Con: You spend most of your time helping friends. You subsequently get paid in beer and pizza.

Pro: You have plenty of time for masturbation.
Con: You spend so much time looking at internet porn that you forget to keep looking for a new job.

Pro: You can begin drinking at noon on any given day.
Con: You are in bed by eight and then wake up at midnight. You then realize that you will not get back to sleep. You then return to the bar you were at twelve hours ago. You can rationalize this by pointing out that you weren’t there twice on the same day.

Pro: You can watch ALL the TV that you want.
Con: There is only crap on, and you watch it anyway. This makes you feel guilty and like an idiot.

Pro: You can sleep in everyday.
Con: You drink every night…because you can sleep in the next day, no matter what.

Pro: You have more time to spend with friends and family.
Con: They are at work.

Pro: You can culture yourself by reading books.
Con: You waste all your time reading dirty magazines.

Pro: You can go outside on a nice day and just enjoy the weather.
Con: You have to watch people drive by all day long in their nice new cars…On their way to their well paying jobs.

Pro: You you feel as care free as you did when you were younger.
Con: The phone is ringing because your care free ass isn’t paying bills.

Pro: You can get things done around the house that you have been putting off for months.
Con: You have absolutely no motivation to do anything.


Have a nice day at work. Or not…

Oh yeah by the way, your taxes are due today.
Strow

I’m sure at least a few of these are not at all foreign to you. You probably know some of them, or half of one and you can never remember the rest of it because you’re already bombed. Well here is just a little archive of some dirty things you can say to people in a bar. Not only will they not get mad, they will clink their glass and smile. Well, somebody will probably get mad. Especially if you’re holding the microphone as some body’s wedding reception.

Here’s to the breezes that blow through the treeses
That lift girls’ skirts above their kneezes
It reveals a spot which is so hot
It teases, it pleases, it spreads all diseases
God what a snatch
Down the hatch

Here’s to the hole that never heals
The more you rub it the better it feels
And all the soap this side of hell
Won’t wash away that fishy smell

Here’s to Hell
May my stay there
Be as much fun as my way there

Here is to being single
Seeing double and
Sleeping triple

Offer her your honor
And if she honors your offer
Get honor and offer all night

Here’s to honor
Get on her
Stay on her
And if you can’t cum in her
Cum on her

Here’s to the girl with the little red shoes
She loves her nookie, she loves her booze
She’s lost her cherry, but that’s no sin
She’s still got the box the cherry came in

Here’s to you
Here’s to me
Best of friends we’ll ever be
But if we ever disagree
Then fuck you
Here’s to me

Time is never wasted
When you’re wasted all the time

Here’s to those that wish us well
All the rest can go to hell

Here’s to those who sit when they pee
We love ‘em in leather
We love ‘em in lace
But we love ‘em the best when they sit on our face

Comments in the form of more toasts are welcomed.
Strow