Why Can’t I Drink Before Noon?

So I got in at about 05:30 this morning. Awesome. I’m not a morning person so working the night shift just seems to make sense. But, for the second week in a row I have had to get up early on Friday. This has sucked. I guess it could be worse. Last week I was awakened to go camping. Today I went to Houlihans for lunch. I know that doesn’t sound exciting, but they haven’t opened yet so we got invited for a trial service. See also: free food. Our seating was at 12:00. Now I know that’s hardly morning anymore. But when you consider the fact that I actually only got a few hours of sleep, it becomes somewhat evident that I was more sarcastic than usual. Not just to the people I knew, but the people that I just happened to have to interact with. I feel sorry for them. I’m really not a bad person, but when I am not really awake and thrust into a social situation I become the most miserably sarcastic son of a bitch that has ever lived. My humor becomes downtrodden and callous. And before you even ask, yes. My humor has made people cry. When I am in a bad mood I become a verbal assassin. This is what took place at lunch. That piece of crap butter knife they gave me had nothing compared to my tongue. I tell this story only to make one stupid point. If you got insulted by me throughout the course of the day I am sorry. But I’m pretty sure you deserved it.
I guess I have two points. If you are going to be an asshole or a jerk off to your wait staff, you better know how to tip.
Get some sleep.
Strow

Into the Woods…

I am yet again apologizing for the lack of posts this month. It’s not that I don’t have anything to write, it’s just that it is so damn hot and humid. Laziness and procrastination will probably prevail through most of this god awful summer. That being said here is a story about this past weekend’s camping trip. Actually, it’s probably important for me the discuss camping on a whole. Going to a state park and having things like a shower, electricity and a bathroom within walking distance is like diet camping. Anybody can pitch a tent once they plug in their radio and toss a fire starting log in the pit. I’m not bashing that, but that’s not how we roll. If you want to enjoy nature, but still want to shower, then go for it. This however is not the way we do it. We camp on a private property on the side of a mountain. There is a cabin on the property. There is also a generator. The cabin is pretty much a small barrack and storage space. There is no running water. If you need to use the bathroom, then you need to get a roll of toilet paper and a shovel. Showering is out of the question. If you want to shower, take a box of wet wipes and give yourself a sponge bath.
On to the fun stuff. It rained. It rained while we were setting up camp. It rained while we were braking camp and it also rained in between. This would normally make for a shitty time. Not the case. There is nothing more enjoyable then watching people try to set up a canopy while it is raining. When we go camping we drink. When you are camping and it’s pouring rain, you tend to drink more. Everything you plan for the trip is now compressed into a list titled “Things we can do while huddled under a canopy.” When it wasn’t raining we shot some skeet, some targets and beer cans. All in all it was a great time. But you don’t give a damn. You want to hear about the stupid shit we did at night while we were drunk. I’ll start out with some plain and simple outtakes.

- I had to setup my tent in the rain. This somehow resulted in a puddle forming in my tent. This puddle somehow survived the whole weekend.
- A tent was toppled over before it was staked down.
- A big black German Shepard named Buck decided that his parent’s tent needed a doggy door…So he made one. Thank god for duct tape.
- EZ-up canopies are only easy when they aren’t broken. Duct taped was employed to fix this too.
- The puke and rally style of drinking was executed. By one person. It wasn’t fun for her, but it was funny for the rest of us.
- We ran out of clay pigeons. So we started throwing anything that wasn’t bolted down.
- I was completely prepared for this trip. Except for the fact that I forgot my sleeping bag. I usually forget one item per trip. I usually forget something much smaller and much less of a necessity. I did however remember my air mattress.

Now there was a ton more stupid shit that went down, but they only really make sense if you witnessed them happen, so I’ll move on to another category of things that were also funny.
You can learn something new everyday. This is only true if you take the time to pay attention. Also, sometimes what you learn isn’t actually true. Here are some things I learned this weekend. Some of these lessons I will keep with me for the rest of my days, others I will try and forget as fast as I can.

- Karma does exist. A few trips ago a metal truck was obliterated with a shotgun. The remains of this metal truck almost took someone’s finger in return.
- If you go a whole entire trip without hurting yourself, you may still get hurt at the rest stop on the way home.
- Apparently the best way to sober up is to go pee. I was told that peeing makes room for more alcohol…Because they just loss some by going to the bathroom.
- My tent looks like a Outhouse.
- If you snore loud enough, it sounds like someone is ripping through the woods on a quad.
- Don’t drink and quad, you might smash your head on the handlebars.
- Don’t drink and wrestle you might take a boot to the head…In the same spot you hit on the quad.
- Don’t let your dog loose, She will find every bit of spilled beer on the ground and turn out just as drunk as her owner.
- A Big Black German Shepard is a scary site. Except for the fact that the one I met was afraid of thunderstorms and gun shots. I’m assuming that he is just afraid of loud noises. And he spent most of the trip trying to mount another male dog.
- A weed whacker is by no means a replacement for a lawn mower.
- When grass is wet, your feet get wet. When three foot tall grass is wet, you just get soaked.

Overall there was much laughter, tom foolery and drinking. Just the kind of time to relax and fall into a fire pit.
Happy Trails Bitches.
Strow