As my summer of laziness continues I find myself filled with mixed emotions. On one hand, I have spent less time staring at my computer screen being angry. On the other hand, I seem to miss the twisted pseudo relief I occasionally feel by venting my frustrations onto the vast wasteland that most of us refer to as the internet. That being said, I feel slightly compelled to babble about some more insignificant crap. Unlike my usual rambling about someone else’s stupidity, this one is going to be about my lack dedication to my own brand of therapeutic crap.
Before I begin, I would like to issue this statement: This is in no way an apology. This is just being done to prove that there is a little bit of idiot in all of us.
I am upset with myself over the Coming Sooner or Later page. Most of the crap I post is more off the cuff. Some of the things listed on that page have been listed since the beginning. I don’t know what is worse, the fact that the page still exists, or the fact that people still check it periodically. I know I still update it from time to time, but honestly…The fact that it is called Coming Sooner or Later is an insult to idiots and geniuses alike. Which brings me to my point. Based on the pure and simple fact that the Coming Sooner or Later page has the potential to make people angry means I have to leave it up. Why? If you need to ask that question you fall into one of these categories:
- This is the first Insultants post you have ever read.
- You fail to see the humor in making people angry.
- You reached this page due to a random act of typing nonsense into your favorite search engine. (Do not worry. You are not alone, it happens on average twice a day.)

And last, but not least (also my personal favorite)…
- You are almost as smart as a dog which sits around all day licking himself. The reason I say almost as smart is because at least he is accomplishing something useful.

Now back to my own stupidity. If posting rants and making fun of people, companies and the media makes me feel better then why would I slack off? Well…Honestly, it’s friggin July. It’s hot and it’s humid. For some reason we all believe that this is a good excuse to be lazy. For those of you that work in this heat, you have a legitimate reason to be tired. I would like to take a moment to explain my current situation. My computer is within six feet of an air conditioner. I have the technology to make myself shiver while seated at my computer. This is stupid and unnecessary…And I wouldn’t have it any other way. As I sit here, indoors and comfortable. I will continue to use summer heat as an excuse of why I haven’t been on top of my game lately. Even though it has almost no bearing on the situation at all. And that my friends, makes me an idiot. Just like you.
Strow

You will fail.
Someone will always be better than you.
You should be a janitor.
One day you will get drunk and wake up in a different country…and you will be missing vital organs.
You are a sucker.
You suck.
You suck at life.
You will get old. And die. Alone.
Not only do your peers hate you, but so does Jesus.
You will forget your grandkid’s names.
You will need to wear adult diapers. Not to drive from Texas to Florida to attack people, but because you will lose control of your bowels once your mind is shot.
You will never succeed.
STDs are a last option when trying to fake sick for work.
Your kids will be smarter and more successful than you.
Your kids will be retarded.
You are a wuss.
You’ll never be attractive.
You’ll never invent something useful.
You can not change the world.
You are an asshole.
Everyone thinks that you are a prick.
A dead baby could kick your ass.

I hope these demotivational statements help you wake up and realize that you are just as stupid and useless as the masses. That being said, it has worked for this long, so keep on trucking. You pathetic oxygen wasters.
Strow

So I got in at about 05:30 this morning. Awesome. I’m not a morning person so working the night shift just seems to make sense. But, for the second week in a row I have had to get up early on Friday. This has sucked. I guess it could be worse. Last week I was awakened to go camping. Today I went to Houlihans for lunch. I know that doesn’t sound exciting, but they haven’t opened yet so we got invited for a trial service. See also: free food. Our seating was at 12:00. Now I know that’s hardly morning anymore. But when you consider the fact that I actually only got a few hours of sleep, it becomes somewhat evident that I was more sarcastic than usual. Not just to the people I knew, but the people that I just happened to have to interact with. I feel sorry for them. I’m really not a bad person, but when I am not really awake and thrust into a social situation I become the most miserably sarcastic son of a bitch that has ever lived. My humor becomes downtrodden and callous. And before you even ask, yes. My humor has made people cry. When I am in a bad mood I become a verbal assassin. This is what took place at lunch. That piece of crap butter knife they gave me had nothing compared to my tongue. I tell this story only to make one stupid point. If you got insulted by me throughout the course of the day I am sorry. But I’m pretty sure you deserved it.
I guess I have two points. If you are going to be an asshole or a jerk off to your wait staff, you better know how to tip.
Get some sleep.
Strow

I am yet again apologizing for the lack of posts this month. It’s not that I don’t have anything to write, it’s just that it is so damn hot and humid. Laziness and procrastination will probably prevail through most of this god awful summer. That being said here is a story about this past weekend’s camping trip. Actually, it’s probably important for me the discuss camping on a whole. Going to a state park and having things like a shower, electricity and a bathroom within walking distance is like diet camping. Anybody can pitch a tent once they plug in their radio and toss a fire starting log in the pit. I’m not bashing that, but that’s not how we roll. If you want to enjoy nature, but still want to shower, then go for it. This however is not the way we do it. We camp on a private property on the side of a mountain. There is a cabin on the property. There is also a generator. The cabin is pretty much a small barrack and storage space. There is no running water. If you need to use the bathroom, then you need to get a roll of toilet paper and a shovel. Showering is out of the question. If you want to shower, take a box of wet wipes and give yourself a sponge bath.
On to the fun stuff. It rained. It rained while we were setting up camp. It rained while we were braking camp and it also rained in between. This would normally make for a shitty time. Not the case. There is nothing more enjoyable then watching people try to set up a canopy while it is raining. When we go camping we drink. When you are camping and it’s pouring rain, you tend to drink more. Everything you plan for the trip is now compressed into a list titled “Things we can do while huddled under a canopy.” When it wasn’t raining we shot some skeet, some targets and beer cans. All in all it was a great time. But you don’t give a damn. You want to hear about the stupid shit we did at night while we were drunk. I’ll start out with some plain and simple outtakes.

- I had to setup my tent in the rain. This somehow resulted in a puddle forming in my tent. This puddle somehow survived the whole weekend.
- A tent was toppled over before it was staked down.
- A big black German Shepard named Buck decided that his parent’s tent needed a doggy door…So he made one. Thank god for duct tape.
- EZ-up canopies are only easy when they aren’t broken. Duct taped was employed to fix this too.
- The puke and rally style of drinking was executed. By one person. It wasn’t fun for her, but it was funny for the rest of us.
- We ran out of clay pigeons. So we started throwing anything that wasn’t bolted down.
- I was completely prepared for this trip. Except for the fact that I forgot my sleeping bag. I usually forget one item per trip. I usually forget something much smaller and much less of a necessity. I did however remember my air mattress.

Now there was a ton more stupid shit that went down, but they only really make sense if you witnessed them happen, so I’ll move on to another category of things that were also funny.
You can learn something new everyday. This is only true if you take the time to pay attention. Also, sometimes what you learn isn’t actually true. Here are some things I learned this weekend. Some of these lessons I will keep with me for the rest of my days, others I will try and forget as fast as I can.

- Karma does exist. A few trips ago a metal truck was obliterated with a shotgun. The remains of this metal truck almost took someone’s finger in return.
- If you go a whole entire trip without hurting yourself, you may still get hurt at the rest stop on the way home.
- Apparently the best way to sober up is to go pee. I was told that peeing makes room for more alcohol…Because they just loss some by going to the bathroom.
- My tent looks like a Outhouse.
- If you snore loud enough it sounds like someone is ripping through the woods on a quad.
- Don’t drink and quad, you might smash your head on the handlebars.
- Don’t drink and wrestle you might take a boot to the head…In the same spot you hit on the quad.
- Don’t let your dog loose, She will find every bit of spilled beer on the ground and turn out just as drunk as her owner.
- A Big Black German Shepard is a scary site. Except for the fact that the one I met was afraid of thunderstorms and gun shots. I’m assuming that he is just afraid of loud noises. And he spent most of the trip trying to mount another male dog.
- A weed whacker is by no means a replacement for a lawn mower.
- When grass is wet, your feet get wet. When three foot tall grass is wet, you just get soaked.

Overall there was much laughter, tom foolery and drinking. Just the kind of time to relax and fall into a fire pit.
Happy Trails Bitches.
Strow

Marketing. When are you going to get it? You are pushing a movie and batteries. OK, they don’t really go hand in hand unless you have a movie about batteries. But you don’t have that. You have an animated panda that does Kung Fu. I’ll set the scene now. In a large well furnished board room there are a hand full of people sitting at a giant conference table. The room is silent, no one in the room has any idea how to cross promote these two things. Then out of no where someone suggests tossing in a little panda with a package of batteries. Great idea. Everyone cheers briefly, and then the brainstorming begins.
“Do we put in a stuffed panda? No. That won’t work. It has to move. I mean the panda does Kung Fu right?” Everyone nods in agreement and silence retakes the room. The next suggestion is for a little electronic panda. Eventually after some discussion they find it would be to expensive. Further more, batteries not being included is bad enough. Selling batteries with a “free” item that requires batteries seems counter productive. Silence takes over once again. A few moments pass some other idea are served up and shot down in the same manner. Finally there is a suggestion to use a little wind up panda. Perfect. Cheap to manufacture. Everyone agrees the meeting is finally adjourned.
No one seemed to notice the pure stupidity of placing a wind up toy in a package of batteries. That is the marketing equivalent of selling condoms with a sample of HIV. Alright, it’s not that bad. It is however still stupid. Yet again, there is another failure in advertising. The first wrong move was made when trying to cross promote items that have no need to be advertised together. I know the battery company has a little bunny. I guess they just figured that the bunny was almost a cartoon. Fail, it’s taking over the world.
Strow