So I’ve been busy

I promise not to take a long boring break like I did just recently, but work has been kicking my ass lately. Not that any of you care, or really buy any of my lame excuses. So to hold you over, lets play a game. I call it “Spot the Ninjas.”


I hope you all get scurvy.



Things you don’t want to hear during a job interview.

We are looking for someone, how should I put this…More attractive.

Your resume and references check out, but you smell like a dead fish.

You are overqualified for the position, but I have to give the job to the unqualified boss’s son.

Why did you bother sitting down?

You look like the kid that used to steal my lunch money in elementary school.

How do you feel about punching babies?

Are you comfortable working without wearing pants?

I’m sorry. You exceed all of our requirements but, currently we are only hiring chinks, gooks, niggers, wetbacks and spics.

We don’t accept applicants that suck at life.

Did your mommy drive you here?

I wouldn’t say you’re our first choice, or even our second. On the upside, your clothes say that you are willing to work for peanuts.

You got the job! Here is a shovel. Go clean up all the shit the last guy left behind.

I’ll give you the job if you give me a handy.

Sorry, I’m not really all here today. My first born son informed me that he wants to be a woman, while I was walking out the door this morning.

Let’s see what the Magic Eight Ball says.

Just put those battery clamps on my nipples.

Why are you staring at me? Do you need something?

My wife just left me. You remind me of her.

You didn’t bring any beer? Get out. NOW.

How many acts of violence is to many for one work day?

So is relocating to North Korea out of the question?

Do you enjoy being flogged with a dead fish?

I hate your face.

I know a corpse that could probably do this job better and in half the time.

Your job application smells like vomit.

Are you crying?

I hope none of you have ever heard any of these things. OK. That’s a lie. Some of you deserve to hear things like this.
Now go get a job you damn hippies.

Where in the hell have I been?

Well, sadly enough…Nowhere interesting. But that does not mean I have nothing to say. I know the internet didn’t fall apart in my absence, but for some of you it did feel a little different. It has probably been a happier place since I have been silent, but that is about to change. Numerous people have been bugging me repeatedly to continue down this twisted path of profanity and debauchery, so here I am back in the saddle.

I obviously cannot catch you up in this one post, but I will lay the ground work anyway. I truly believe that you can learn something new everyday. Here are some of the things I have learned that I have not had the motivation to type about. That is, until now.

A night of drinking High Life and Rumple Minze should not be capped off with an Irish Car Bomb. Why you ask? I will answer your question, with a question. Have you ever seen The Exorcist?

Good friends, some beer and a campfire is a great way to relax. Having one of your friends drive a lawn tractor (sans blade and deck) through the fire pit, is a good way to scare people. And make them laugh.

The only Doctor you ever need to see should be Dr. McGillicuddy.

The object in the mirror may appear closer than it is, does not apply to something being thrown at the mirror itself.

Ugly babies make angry.

Cute babies make me hungry.

Squirrels will chew on anything.

Squirrels are evil.

I still hate hobos.

It’s not acceptable to poop in your hand and throw at someone. Unless you are a monkey.

Only 40% of licensed drivers truly understand how to use the left lane. This percentage varies from state to state, and I made it up.

The home run derby just isn’t the same without the roids or HGH.

Shotgun rounds can be fired from a brush mower.

My Jedi mind tricks work better when I’m drunk.

The go to small talk phrase, “So how about this weather we are having.” Has been unofficially replaced by “So when do you think this economy is gonna turn around?”

Most things that happen in life can be compared to an episode of Seinfeld.

I’m back you bastards. I hope you can hold on tight enough to stay on the ride.

Death and Destruction on the High Seas

We may finally be able to solve the age old question that has plagued mankind for years. At the same time, we might be able to stop an international crisis. It seems that Pirates are making a come back. No one is sure how to handle this without an international incident. Now, I know what you are thinking. And the answer is no. I do not think it is a good idea to send the zombies after the pirates. If the zombies win, we just end up with zombie pirates. No one wants that.

I have a much better, more practical solution. We shall send in the one and only true enemy of the pirates. Ninjas.
Yes. I said it. We should send ninjas after the pirates. According to teh internets, pirates and ninjas are enemies. Also, we still haven’t been able to determine which group is the coolest.
The opportunity to answer that question is at hand.
We need to find some ninjas. We need to do it fast. Otherwise there won’t be any pirates left without bullet holes in their craniums.
If you are a ninja, go attack some pirates.

Do it. You won’t

When it rains…

So if you were to consider me a blogger, I would be sleeping with the fail whale right now. I have always been able to keep you the reader informed of all the mayhem, death and destruction on a somewhat normal basis. I have been lax in that lately and I am truly not sorry. I have a backlog of drafts that need to be completed. As I finish these I will rain them down upon you with the same amount insanity you have come to expect from my posts. Having recently returned from another trip to the mountains, I have some more good camping stories. Some to be accompanied by video of me jumping up and down on a cable spool that we threw into the fire pit. But for now I leave you with this:
There once was a man from Nantucket.
His wife gave him a big bucket…Hold on, I bet you know that one already.

You know what? The hell with this, it’s Monday and it’s raining.
Suck it.

Important Survey

Let’s see how this turns out…

Friday Fun

It’s Friday.
I am hungover.
I had a pork roll and cheese for breakfast/Lunch.
I washed it down with a Bloody Mary.
I almost feel whole again.

I have nothing else to say.


When you need to offend more people in less time.

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