Everyone Knows a Jerry

No matter who you are, everybody knows a Jerry. A Jerry or Jerr is someone who consistently gets shit on by their employer/workplace. As it turns out, our Jerry happens to be the groundskeeper/event coordinator/toilet deplugger for a local performance space where we do a lot of work. Nicest guy you ever want to meet. Here’s the kicker…If you ever wanted to meet our Jerr, your best bet would be to show up to the Rite (the venue where Jerr works) on his day off because out of the 365 days in a year, Jerr probably works about 366. And it never fails, poor Jerr is always up to his ears in shit, untangling some mess left in the wake of some rock ‘n’ roll tour that in some respect has totally shit the bed.

True story…Once upon a time, a truck driver from a tour, which will remain nameless, decided to top off Jerr’s diesel scissor lift with fuel. I know what you’re thinking, and no he didn’t use regular unleaded fuel. However, to Jerr’s surprise, the driver had actually topped off the lift’s hydraulic reservoir with diesel. TO…THE…BRIM….Holy shit!

Naturally it’s crap like this that just gives us material for days. So here’s a fun kind of role play you can try at home and I’ll give you some examples. First, you want to begin by miming a phone call to your Jerr, with the greeting “Hey Jerr, It’s (insert any name here) from the Rite.” Next, introduce some bad news pertaining to a situation that will most definitely require Jerr’s attention. Here’s where you get to pile on the shit. Be sure to add a farewell including some aspect of Jerr’s personal life that you have interrupted by calling him into the office.


Hey Jerr, It’s Neil from the Rite…Anyway, you know those wasp nests you cleared out of the cross space for us last year? Well they’re back. We’re going to need you to head down here ASAP and work your magic again. By the way, tell the wife I said happy anniversary! Later Jerr


Hey Jerr, It’s Dale from the Rite…Anyway, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for ya. Yeah, we’re going to have to let you go…..Down to the septic tank with a putty knife and see if you can’t jar some of that shit loose. Now Jerr, don’t forget the Golden Rule. Always keep your snorkel hole well above the shit line, or else you’ll be in a whole world of shit yourself. Oh and I packed you a lunch, but the five second rule does not apply so don’t go droppin any Doritos down there. Gonna need that done today. Hey I almost forgot…Merry Christmas!


Hey Jerr, Neil again from the Rite. We had a nice GWAR concert in here last night. Anyway, it was like a freakin Gallagher Slege-o-Matic act in here, and I’m afraid tarps just weren’t in the budget. However, in a pinch we were able to throw together some Woolite and a toothbrush. I know you’re at your mom’s funeral, but if you could close the lid on that thing, throw on your waiters, and get down here, we could really use a hand. Thanks Jerr.

Share this with your friends. Trust me you’ll have a great time trying to top each other. The Insultants would also love to here some of your “Hey Jerr’s,” so please let us know what you come up with.


9 Responses to “Everyone Knows a Jerry”

  1. 1 sid December 30, 2006 at 02:55

    hey jerr, it’s biff from the rite. yeah we got a bunch of little boys down here who are really ahhh, confused, you know, sexually. we’re going to need you to go ahead and bring mommy(humper)noodle(tits)[good]headface(al) down here to get them. but make sure you let her know that there aren’t as many of them as she has cats already, sooo… it shouldn’t be much of a problem. m’kay thanks jerr.

  2. 2 Mommynoodleheadface January 3, 2007 at 10:47

    Sid, you better be nice if you want me to leave out my fitness magazines for you, and a nice selection of lingerie for you to try on so you can finally seduce headboy. You know you want to….

  3. 3 sid January 4, 2007 at 21:39

    he’s already sick of everything in your collection on me. And J C Penny catalogs work just as well as fitness mags. oh and sorry ’bout that stain on that little lacy thing of yours. a bit of hydrofloric acid’ll get that right out.

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