Jesus…Great Savior…Shitty Carpenter

If you read the Gospels you’ll find many accounts of Jesus’ miracles, prophecies, and wondrous deeds, and in the words of George Carlin, “It’s all Jesus this…Jesus that…Abraham hit me with a wiffle ball bat.” However, what you won’t find, are stories that depict the amazing shit that our Lord and Savior built. We even have countless images of Christ painted by some of the most celebrated artists of all time. But images of the shit that he built? You guessed it. Not even an Etch-A-Sketch, which is why it stands to reason that Jesus was a shitty carpenter. We suspect that any records of Christ’s failed carpentry have long since been destroyed by the Vatican in an effort to protect the integrity of the Holy Canon. Forget Q-Source. The Insultants wish to introduce I-Source or Insultants-Source, otherwise known as commentary/quotation relating to the “Carpentry o’ Christ.”

Mary: Jeezy, you really have to start pulling your weight around here, I mean your father hasn’t built anything since that manger.
Jesus: Get off my back. He’s not even my real dad!

Frankincense and Muhr? I know we said we weren’t going to spend more then five bucks, but couldn’t somebody have gotten him a fucking level.

If you are the son of God why am I still getting my furniture from Sweden?

Did wonders for Catholics, but squat for the Jewish Carpenters Union.

Died for my sins and all I got was this shitty popsicle-stick birdhouse.

Couldn’t pull a 10-penny nail to save his life.

Great at weddings. Worthless at Freemason meetings.

Built a lot of stuff out of mud, shit, and hay. Didn’t discover lumber as a good medium until it was too late. “Nice. Is this a Walnut inlay?”

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10 Responses to “Jesus…Great Savior…Shitty Carpenter”


  1. 1 sid December 23, 2006 at 14:33

    the part when he said “forgive them, they know not what they are doing”, he was refering to all his fishermen friends who didn’t know a hammer from a hole in a whore. oh and his last words weren’t “why have you forsaken me?” they were “this is NOT what i ment when i said i wanted to get nailed!!!”

  2. 2 sid December 27, 2006 at 10:31

    What the fuck is w/ the war on christmas claims? Why should Jesus Christ be any different than any other poor bastard who’s birthday gets overshadowed b/c it falls on Christmas?

  3. 3 The Libationist January 8, 2007 at 19:34

    “Couldn’t pull a ten penny nail to save his life” just made me laugh out loud and then rub my eyes. Sick. Just fucking sick.

  4. 4 sid January 9, 2007 at 00:13

    how’d’ya think it made him feel? HMMM?


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