What Not to Say When You Get Pulled Over

I think I speak for all of the Insultants when I say that we really have the utmost respect for the law. There, that ought to rack up some fucking comments. It is however true that none of us are strangers to the traffic courts and various other courts (Headboy) from here to Okachobee, which is how we got on the topic of things you probably shouldn’t say when you get pulled over. Here are a couple of ice breakers that we guarantee will have you thowing your keys out the window and placing your hands on your head in no time.

Wow, you look a lot like that kid I used to beat up in high school.

Yes officer, I know my headlights weren’t on, but it was so dim in that bar, and I didn’t want to kill my buzz before I got home.

Can you make this quick…I just slugged a 30 pack of PBR and I really have to piss.

Why are those flashing lights on your car so loud?

Can I wear your hat?

Can I wear your ass as a hat?

What is that…A 9mm? The Glock i have under my seat would blow that thing away.

Show us your tits!!!

Yes officer I have been drinking, but I only had a few tonight…seriously do you want to count the empties on my back seat?

What the hell are you doing all the way out here in the middle of no where, there isn’t a Dunkin Donuts for miles.

I know I was speeding, but you would be too if you just robbed a bank.

You can search my car if you want, but I’m warning you now, that dead hooker in the trunk has been there for weeks and she’s really starting to smell.

No, there are no drugs in the car sir. There’s a shit load in my blood stream but none in the car.

I’m sorry officer, but if I don’t get the car to 88mph this flux capacitor doesn’t do shit but look pretty.

Yes I know I left the scene of an accident, but did you see that guys car before I hit it? Believe me, I did that guy a favor.

Swerving? You’d be swerving too if you drank a bottle of Jager before getting out of bed in the morning.

No officer, I don’t know why you pulled me over, but I can tell you that if you search my car I’ll know why I’m going to jail.

Who makes that nightstick? Fisher Price?

I didn’t mean to throw all those drugs out the window…I meant to consume them in an unsafe manner, but you sure as hell fucked that up didn’t you.

I’d give you my license, but the state took it away years ago.

No, I can’t really explain why my shirt is covered in blood…or why my wife is tied up in the trunk. Actually, I can explain it, but then I would be incriminating myself.

I can’t really read that name plate…Is that an F?…Whatever I’ll just call you officer faggot.

That’s a nice vest. What protects your head?

What? So I like Pokeman and candy.

(To a male officer) Does your boyfriend consider this flirting?

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10 Responses to “What Not to Say When You Get Pulled Over”


  1. 1 Geo May 31, 2007 at 10:20

    (singing) Spam Spam Spam Spam . . . .Lovely spam wondefull spam

  2. 2 Strow February 20, 2008 at 16:05

    Well, I just came across the original list, with notes all over it, so here we go…

    Does your boyfriend count this as flirting?

    What?!? What do you mean? Why wouldn’t you want to frisk me?

    Nice car Ponch, what the hell did you do to get your bike taken away?

    I’ve never been convicted of a crime, but I have gotten away with a bunch of shit.

    If you let me off now, I’ll get you off later.

    Pull my finger.

    No sir I have no weapons in the car, I’m a assuming a ball gag doesn’t count?

    Boy, they’ll give any asshole a badge these days.

    Uh…The drugs made me do it.

    You can just go ahead and add that red light to the list of things I blew tonight.

    I swear what I hit tonight was a deer, that bloody hand print is old.

    Didn’t I see you in the gay pride parade. You look much better in pink.

    Do you know how many dead babies I can fit in the trunk? I do!

    Yes I know how fast I was going. I’m trying to outrun the aliens.

    Weren’t you the gimp in Pulp Fiction?

    I know what you are thinking. A home pregnancy test and a box of plastic spoons is a weird combination.

    Who the hell do you think you are with that loud ass siren and all those flashing lights…

    Can you call a couple more cars out here? Those lights are doing wonders for my acid trip.

    Yeah, I know how fast I was going. How fast did you have to go to catch up to me?

    You clocked me going how fast? I’m sorry officer, your radar gun must be way off. I was going way faster than that.

    My eyes look bloodshot? Your eyes look glazed. You been eating doughnuts?

  3. 3 Strow February 20, 2008 at 16:10

    Missed a few…

    I know I blew through that red light, but my brakes don’t work that well so I took my chances.

    I’m sorry officer. I didn’t mean to puke on your shoes, but all these sobriety tests are making my head spin.

    Thanks officer buzz kill, now i have to go home and role another joint to calm my nerves…I mean for my glaucoma.

    I was speeding because I am late. You pulling me over and making me stop on the side of the road isn’t helping.

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