I think I speak for all of the Insultants when I say that we really have the utmost respect for the law. There, that ought to rack up some fucking comments. It is however true that none of us are strangers to the traffic courts and various other courts (Headboy) from here to Okachobee, which is how we got on the topic of things you probably shouldn’t say when you get pulled over. Here are a couple of ice breakers that we guarantee will have you thowing your keys out the window and placing your hands on your head in no time.
Wow, you look a lot like that kid I used to beat up in high school.
Yes officer, I know my headlights weren’t on, but it was so dim in that bar, and I didn’t want to kill my buzz before I got home.
Can you make this quick…I just slugged a 30 pack of PBR and I really have to piss.
Why are those flashing lights on your car so loud?
Can I wear your hat?
Can I wear your ass as a hat?
What is that…A 9mm? The Glock i have under my seat would blow that thing away.
Show us your tits!!!
Yes officer I have been drinking, but I only had a few tonight…seriously do you want to count the empties on my back seat?
What the hell are you doing all the way out here in the middle of no where, there isn’t a Dunkin Donuts for miles.
I know I was speeding, but you would be too if you just robbed a bank.
You can search my car if you want, but I’m warning you now, that dead hooker in the trunk has been there for weeks and she’s really starting to smell.
No, there are no drugs in the car sir. There’s a shit load in my blood stream but none in the car.
I’m sorry officer, but if I don’t get the car to 88mph this flux capacitor doesn’t do shit but look pretty.
Yes I know I left the scene of an accident, but did you see that guys car before I hit it? Believe me, I did that guy a favor.
Swerving? You’d be swerving too if you drank a bottle of Jager before getting out of bed in the morning.
No officer, I don’t know why you pulled me over, but I can tell you that if you search my car I’ll know why I’m going to jail.
Who makes that nightstick? Fisher Price?
I didn’t mean to throw all those drugs out the window…I meant to consume them in an unsafe manner, but you sure as hell fucked that up didn’t you.
I’d give you my license, but the state took it away years ago.
No, I can’t really explain why my shirt is covered in blood…or why my wife is tied up in the trunk. Actually, I can explain it, but then I would be incriminating myself.
I can’t really read that name plate…Is that an F?…Whatever I’ll just call you officer faggot.
That’s a nice vest. What protects your head?
What? So I like Pokeman and candy.
(To a male officer) Does your boyfriend consider this flirting?