Tasteless Toasts

I’m sure at least a few of these are not at all foreign to you. You probably know some of them, or half of one and you can never remember the rest of it because you’re already bombed. Well here is just a little archive of some dirty things you can say to people in a bar. Not only will they not get mad, they will clink their glass and smile. Well, somebody will probably get mad. Especially if you’re holding the microphone as some body’s wedding reception.

Here’s to the breezes that blow through the treeses
That lift girls’ skirts above their kneezes
It reveals a spot which is so hot
It teases, it pleases, it spreads all diseases
God what a snatch
Down the hatch

Here’s to the hole that never heals
The more you rub it the better it feels
And all the soap this side of hell
Won’t wash away that fishy smell

Here’s to Hell
May my stay there
Be as much fun as my way there

Here is to being single
Seeing double and
Sleeping triple

Offer her your honor
And if she honors your offer
Get honor and offer all night

Here’s to honor
Get on her
Stay on her
And if you can’t cum in her
Cum on her

Here’s to the girl with the little red shoes
She loves her nookie, she loves her booze
She’s lost her cherry, but that’s no sin
She’s still got the box the cherry came in

Here’s to you
Here’s to me
Best of friends we’ll ever be
But if we ever disagree
Then fuck you
Here’s to me

Time is never wasted
When you’re wasted all the time

Here’s to those that wish us well
All the rest can go to hell

Here’s to those who sit when they pee
We love ‘em in leather
We love ‘em in lace
But we love ‘em the best when they sit on our face

Comments in the form of more toasts are welcomed.


25 Responses to “Tasteless Toasts”

  1. 1 John Schick July 3, 2017 at 22:50

    There was a young fellow named Skinner who took a young lady to dinner. At a quarter past nine they started to dine, and at a quarter past ten it was in her! The dinner not Skinner. Skinner was in her BEFORE dinner!

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  4. 4 Joe M. March 12, 2018 at 21:26

    From my fraternity days:

    Here’s to the breezes
    that blows through the treeses,
    blows little girls’ skirts over their kneeses.
    Little boy seeses,
    does as he pleases,
    catches social diseases.
    Drink up.

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