Dear Mother Earth,
Fuck you. I am not a wasteful person. Aside from my giant gas guzzling SUV. But I seriously need one of those. There is no way in hell I could run down hobos with a Prius. Granted it would be real easy to sneak up on them (like you earth friendlies do to deaf people). I’m starting to get the feeling that you don’t want us here. You are not taking the time to replenish all of our valuable resources, and worst of all you will not let any of our wasteful dirty air away from us without giving everyone skin cancer. You are a prick. A good mother would take care of it’s wretched spawn, whether or not they were spoiled as all hell. You probably killed those damn dinosaurs because they ate to much of your precious greenery. Stop being such a big whiny bitch. I have no problems with renewable energy. I’m all for solar and wind power generation. I will do my part to create less waste. But you have crossed the line. I will by no means have a “green” funeral. Once I am dead I will continue to haunt your core by be placed into the ground in a non biodegradable container. Plans are already in the works to be the one and only person to have a coffin made out of nothing but hazardous materials. Everyone in attendance at my funeral will be required to wear a hazmat suit and carry a Geiger counter. My prototype currently includes these materials:
– Asbestos tiles
– Radioactive waste
– At least one gallon of lead paint laced with meth and crack-cocaine
– All fasteners will be made out of the sharpened bones of animals I regularly ate while I was alive
– One metric ton of the most chemically laden epoxy that is on the market.
– Old tires
– New tires
– C-4, not because of it’s environmental impact, but because explosives are fun
I plan use the C-4 to make sure I cannot come back as a zombie. Once the coffin is closed the detonator will arm. If the coffin is ever opened, a nice explosion will blast my remains (and other harmful chemicals) into a one square mile radius of my current deceased location.
I guess all I’m trying to say is that you have gotten soft. Fine, I will make some amends now to lead a greener life, but I’m warning you don’t mess with my pollution filled funeral. There will be hell to pay if I get stuck in the ground in a shroud of used toilet paper just because it is good for the environment. Green funerals can kiss my ass. Actually, everyone can kiss my ass. I’m going to be buried face down. Just because I can.
In closing, I will restate my point just in case you do not take the time to read this whole letter. Mother Earth, fuck you. You selfish bitch.