Your Cat Doesn’t Belong in My Yard

Dear neighbor,
I have noticed that your cat apparently thinks he/she has free reign over my yard. This is not the case. First of all what in the hell is the point of owning a cat if you are going to let it live like a stray? I do not enjoy leaving my house and being watched by your furry little asshat. If this continues there will be consequences for your feline fiend. Please note that “fiend” is not a typo. I hate your cat.
Your slightly pissed off neighbor

Now being that there is no need to get animal control involved, and I am currently bored. I have come up with some ways to take care of the problem at hand. Some of them mean, some simple and some rather outlandish. The methods that sound cruel and unusual will be saved and only used as a possible last resort. I don’t advocate violence towards animals. I do however approve violence towards idiots and hobos.

Here is my rough list of ideas;
– Duct tape cat to cat owner’s fence.
– Feed cat junk food so it becomes so overweight it doesn’t have the stamina to make it into my yard.
– Install dog.
– Kidnap cat and teach it to do circus tricks like jump through hoops of fire. Post videos on YouTube and turn my problem into profit.
– Bathe cat in gasoline and send it running home, while on fire.
– Train an army of mice to hold the perimeter of the yard. Train the mice to use nothing less than deadly force. Mice that do not uphold the law will be punished by death. All punishment will be carried out by the mouse army’s General. The General is going to be a large snake. (Irony is my bitch)
– Wrap cat in aluminum foil and place on roof…during a lighting storm.
– Tye dye cat, then call cops and tell them that there is a hippie camping out on my lawn begging for food. Watch cops get a good laugh. I hope they get a kick out of this. If they don’t, dispatch might stop taking my calls.
– Fit cat with a new pair of concrete shoes and toss off of a bridge.
– Kill cat in a humane manner, cook into neighbor’s favorite dish and serve it to them at a dinner party. (I know that one isn’t really original, but what the hell. The looks on their faces would be priceless.)
– Keep track of how many times I see the cat in my yard by spray painting the number of sightings on the cat’s back.
– Shave small random spots into fur. Spread a rumor to a few neighbors about rare cases feline Hep C.
– Cover cat daily with Fart Spray. Make owner’s wonder why their cat always smells like shit.
– Take cat to Taxidermist. Have cat stuffed in the the same pose as the Mack Truck Dog. Install as hood ornament on neighbor’s Geo Metro. This should double the value of the car. Alas, two times zero is still zero.

I think that’s about all I’ve gotten so far. There are a few more I ideas, but they involve a Rube Goldberg type device that I have no intentions of building. I’ll just say this, the last step of the process involves launching the cat into space…Strapped to the nose cone of a nuclear missile.

Any and all complaints about animal cruelty will be filed under A. As in apathy. Because I don’t give a damn about what you think.
Funny is funny. Get over yourself.


4 Responses to “Your Cat Doesn’t Belong in My Yard”

  1. 1 Floss May 12, 2008 at 12:05

    My feelings on the subject of people-who-punish-animals-instead-of-the-human-responsible aside, I do think you need to focus more on what you can do to the assholish/stupid owners.

    Most obvious to me is post information about a cat that needs a home, give the cat away, then inform the asshole-in-question that you will continue to do this as long as they decide to “keep” their animals outside.


  2. 2 insultants May 12, 2008 at 13:34

    They actually do take care of the cat. He just likes to wonder around a bit. The owner’s will suffer my wrath. I’m actually trying to find a good price on a truck full of Liquid Nails. I’m going to glue their cars to the driveway.

  3. 3 sid May 13, 2008 at 03:43

    Why not chain it up, starve it to death, and call it art? DUDE! Come on. Are you that much of a pussy that you get pissed that a cat is watching you? Don’t you know that cats are probably the easiest animals to fuck with at long distances? PSSSST!!!! Maybe the cat also thinks your neighbors are assholes and wants a new home. Or maybe this cat wants to get killed so it can get reincarnated into something better, like a Republican. Well it’d be a start. Or maybe the cat Was a Republican who killed himself because of all those liberals. Anyway, leave some milk out laced with LSD. I’ll be by to drink it later!

  4. 4 KMac May 13, 2008 at 07:09

    Step 1: Take cute pic of cat

    Step 2: Make posters of cat. Claim that it carries some rare mutating, genital attacking virus and everyone who see the cat should run away screaming for help and slapping themselves in the balls (gotta add some fun for you trouble). Place neighbor’s phone number on poster.

    Step 3. Embrace laziness. Someone else will take care of the problem now.

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