Cigarettes and the General Public

Smoking a cigarette in public makes you an asshole. I smoke. I am aware of the fact that it isn’t good for me. I’m also aware of the fact that it isn’t good for someone to inhale my exhaled smoke. I try to be polite to strangers, I don’t blow smoke in peoples faces. I don’t bother people. Well, I do bother people, but not with my smoking. People for years have felt the need to tell me I shouldn’t smoke. I know that. It’s always the non smokers that don’t get it. For every 20 cigarettes I smoke, I get a nice little note from the Surgeon General.
Hey Jackass, the smokes come with a warning. I can read. I don’t need to hear it from you.
They have banned smoking from restaurants, bars, public areas and pretty much anywhere you can imagine. This has helped people quit smoking. More power to you. None of these bans have made me want to change my mind about smoking. I’m not one of those people that lights up and proclaims that they are trying to quit. Now I’m going to go out on a limb here. I enjoy smoking. I like the taste of a freshly packed cowboy killer. I have no desire to quit. I’m not a self hating smoker. I also smoke cigars. I even smoke pipe tobacco. Neither cigars or pipe tobacco have all sorts of chemicals to keep me addicted, I just like the taste.
For years, random strangers have made statements to me about quitting. Some of them have taken some time out of there day to walk over and tell me. I have always responded in a polite manner. Today was different. I can only assume I’ve been repressing my sarcasm in these situations for years. This is a written account of my encounter with a fairly attractive woman that decided to stick her nose where it didn’t belong.

Random Lady: Excuse me. Do you know smoking is bad for you?
Me: The government lies to us.
R L: Huh?
Me: The government lies to us.
R L: Are you trying to tell me that you don’t think smoking is bad for you?
Me: No.
R L: Then what do you mean?
Me: Well, I think they exaggerate the affects of smoking because quitting has become the hip thing to do.
R L: (Now puzzled) But it has been documented that tobacco companies add disgusting chemicals into the cigarettes. Surely you can’t believe that they are good for you?
Me: I don’t. And please, don’t call me Shirley.
R L: (Now just as puzzled but seemingly intrigued) So if it’s bad for you, why voluntarily do it?
Me: (Attempting to make her scratch her head) I do a lot of things that aren’t good for me. I walked outside today.
R L: How is that not good for you? Are you afraid you’ll get hit by a car or something?
Me: (Wide eyed and frightened) Holy crap! I never even thought about that! I just don’t like going outside because I’m gonna get skin cancer.
R L: (Smiling like she understand what I’m doing to her) You could wear sunscreen.

Now I can’t believe she is still talking to me. This is going to be fun. I took the gloves off here.

Me: Then I would always be greasy and smell like I just got home from the beach. Besides, if I bought all that sunscreen I wouldn’t have any money to buy delicious cigarettes.
R L: (Not happy that she isn’t getting through to me) Sunscreen is cheaper, you would save money. And you won’t die of lung cancer.
Me: I’m not going to die of lung cancer.
R L: How do you know that?
Me: The odds on that are only 2 to 1. The payout isn’t high enough and the front runner almost never wins.
R L: What are you talking about?
Me: I set lines on my cause of death back in August so my friends can bet on my demise.
R L: (frustrated and confused) You should quit smoking anyway.

She then walked away. Actually, she speed walked away. I was hoping to take the conversation to a more insane level by bringing up things like aliens trying to steal my soul. Before I got to that point I changed direction. I wanted to see how long I could keep her involved in a meaningless conversation that would eventually accomplish nothing. I didn’t do so well. On the other hand, I’m sure she’ll never forget me. I guess next time this happens I’ll start off with complete insanity and see if they stay at all.
I need shop at Wegmans more often. You can meet some cool people there.


3 Responses to “Cigarettes and the General Public”

  1. 1 Chris September 12, 2008 at 08:05

    You should find the trendy hippie spots like Wegman’s, a coffee house, bookstore or massage palor and smoke outside of them for attention. I’m sure you could play these great mind games with them as they try to convince you to have a moment of hypocritical clarity. But on the plus side you might be able to turn this into getting some action. What if one of these air breather’s was hot and she wanted you to quit? The you could say “Well I would quit if only blow jobs were as satisfying as a cigarette?” now we both know that blow jobs far outway the taste of a cigarette but now you’ve put the ball in her court (so to say). Will she try to prove blow jobs are better or just be like everyone else and not be commited to converting you from your heathen ways?

    Am I writing my fantasies down again? God Dammit!! I thought I was done with therapy!

  2. 2 insultants September 12, 2008 at 10:08

    I guess if it works, my next post will be in the Penthouse forum.

  3. 3 hey hey hey boo boo May 14, 2009 at 20:26

    i see the world as an endless struggle between cigarettes and xanax…

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