How to get People to Leave You Alone

Over the years, I like most of you, have been subject to much unwanted activity at my home. With the general onslaught of things like junk mail, telemarketers, spam, newspaper salespeople, Jehovah’s Witnesses and lastly and most recently, spam. All of these things can be annoying. Now I used to get mad at telemarketers and give them all kinds of shit. It then struck me that they probably deal with that all day. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel bad for them. However, I do understand that they are doing a job. I’m sure most telemarketers do not enjoy their job. Unless they enjoy being screamed and yelled at by complete strangers. So how do you make them stop calling you? You can register on the Government’s Do Not Call List. Which by the way seemed to cut down drastically the amount of stupid calls I get. But what about those few calls you do still receive? The tried and true method is to tell the caller to hold, then put down the phone and proceed to eat dinner and see how long they are willing to wait for you. You can ask to have your name taken off of their list. Or, you can do what has become my personal favorite. When a telemarketer asks, “Is whats your face home?” Simply reply, “Whats your face is dead. Try reaching him/her at the (insert name of local cemetery here).” Then calmly hang up the phone.

On to the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Now I have nothing against these people, and I understand they think they are doing some good. Whatever. It’s annoying. Now there are many ways to deal with this. You could not answer the door. You could answer the door, but slam it in their face. I personally like a more creative approach. You could answer the door naked. This only works if you spend all day at home not wearing any clothes. Besides, I have a method that has a little better shock value. I have personally done this and it took everything I had not to laugh while executing the procedure. Answer the door with a smile on your face. Introduce yourself even before they can. Ask what they are selling and laugh for an inappropriately long time at your own joke. When they begin to speak, step all the way outside and let the door close behind you. This gives them a false sense that you actually want to hear what they have to say. Listen for a bit, then unbuckle your belt. Listen some more. Unbutton your pants and pull down the zipper. Continue listening. Shuffle a bit so your pants fall on their own. When your pants hit your ankles, pretend not to notice. Now usually they would leave. If you get some stubborn ones, interrupt then abruptly and say something like, “Can we continue this another time? I got a hooker covered in whip cream tied up in my bedroom. If I don’t lick it off of her soon it’s going to start to smell like sour milk.” Turn and walk back into the house with your pants still at your ankles. I haven’t seen a Jehovah’s Witness since.
These are just a few ways to touch peoples lives without the use of anger and aggression. Remember, yelling at someone just makes them want to yell at someone else. Doing something that they didn’t expect will stay with them forever.


3 Responses to “How to get People to Leave You Alone”

  1. 1 kmac September 17, 2008 at 15:24

    Simply brilliant! I had a co worker once who had serveral times asked (both nicely and not so nicely) that the local family of Jehova’s Witnesses leave and not come back, but to no avail. Every weekend he could set his watch to their knock. So one day he planned ahead.

    Both him and his friend answered the door wearking black robes, holding lit black candles. He plesantly said “Oh good! You must be hear for the ceremony! And I see you brought the virgin, great!” As the friend calmly reached out to lead the daughter of the Witnesses inside. That was the last time he ever saw them.

  2. 2 Chris September 21, 2008 at 13:20

    I usually answer the door, listen intently for 2 minutes, slowly let urine run down my leg and when someone notices I start to cry and shut the door.

    Works on relatives too.

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