Holiday Shopping Guide

It’s mid November. This means the holiday season is just about to enter overload. But wait! The economy is in the shitter. How in the hell can we possibly celebrate without wasting tons of money on meaningless shit for people we don’t even like? Well…I have a solution.
To get the most bang for your buck, I have a few simple rules and guidelines.

Only shop at places that have one of these words in the name of the store:
Dollar
Mart
Bargain
Wholesale

Another good tactic is to drink heavily before, during and after shopping. Not only will you not act like an obnoxious prick while waiting in long lines, but you will also get more shit done in less time. This is due to that fact that you have to shop in between bathroom breaks. Also, due to the fact that you will be completely bombed, you won’t notice how much money you spent until the bills start rolling in a month later. This will dull the initial impact, and if you time it properly all of the crap you couldn’t afford to buy has already been given away. If you are one of those people that goes shopping at five am on Black Friday, I suggest tailgating. If you’re going to be up that early, you might as well have some fun. The only thing you have to remember is to pack light. If you stick a grill in your trunk, you will have no room to put all the crap you’re going to buy. One small cooler and a few bottles of hard liquor should do the trick. The added bonus is that you can probably pick up a few good gifts while you are at the liquor store. They could also be backup of your shopping trip takes more drinking then originally planned.
Since everyone is broke, everything is on sale. This doesn’t mean you should buy more crap, but the same amount of crap you usually do, just for less money.
Actually that is all I have. If that isn’t enough, bake a pie. Or, you could make macaroni pictures.
Strow

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3 Responses to “Holiday Shopping Guide”


  1. 1 Chris November 20, 2008 at 07:49

    If you ever have a problem with self esteem. Be in line at a mass market retailer at 4 am on Black Friday. You begin to feel pretty good about yourself after you see the plethora of specimens in line.

  2. 2 dUb-iLL November 21, 2008 at 15:06

    I will be grilling Johnsonville Brats and Shotgunning High Life cans under the A/20 sign in the parking lot of the Deptford (pronounced Def-fort) Mall around 3am on Friday if anyone is into it. Hit me up:)

  3. 3 glow in the dark star ceiling July 17, 2013 at 05:53

    I do consider all the concepts you have presented to your post.
    They are very convincing and will certainly work.
    Nonetheless, the posts are very short for starters.
    May you please prolong them a bit from subsequent
    time? Thanks for the post.


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