So there has been some buzz lately about the misadventures of Governor Palin. I figured the election was over, some people would interview her and as a country we could get on with our lives. Yeah, I know. Stupid. Subconsciously, I knew this crap wasn’t going to stop. Instead, they have given me more fodder for the feed bag. Here is my latest revelation in what will soon be the campaign that change politics as we know it.
The new strategy is to base every press conference solely on the target audience. Not to impress them, but to make them feels horribly uncomfortable. The media is going to have a field day, and the opposing parties will receive no attention or airtime. Thus, a landslide victory for our party…Which is still unnamed at this time.
I have some preliminary plans already, here are some samples from my notes.
Organization to be Addressed: Save the Rain Forest Foundation
Location: A rain forest.
Backdrop: Single lumberjack, taking down one tree and cutting it up into sections for transport.
Notes: At end of press conference, pan out from single lumberjack to reveal edge of major logging operation. Hire Jerry Bruckheimer to direct video footage of a perspective camera shot of the log being drug up the side of a hill and loaded onto a truck. A.K.A. the last thing the tree sees before it dies. Have scene set to something by The Who.
Organization to be Addressed: Big Tobbacco
Location: Cancer Ward in the largest hospital in DC.
Backdrop: Old lady with lung cancer in a hospital bed, still smoking. Out of the hole in her trachea.
Notes: Seriously, if that doesn’t get some attention, give up campaign and become a fry cook.
Organization to be Addressed: PETA
Location: Processing level at a large slaughterhouse.
Backdrop: Setup podium directly in front meat grinder.
Notes: All in attendance, including speakers, will be wearing hardhats and hairnets. Bring Grill.
Organization to be Addressed: EPA
Location: Most desolate location we can find. Preferably one on the poles.
Backdrop: Five or six trailer sized diesel generators.
Notes: Bring twice as much lighting and audio equipment as necessary. Fly everyone in with an armada of private jets. Ship all cargo in one shot, utilizing an Antonov AN-225, the largest cargo plane in the world. Fill remaining empty space in cargo hold with packing peanuts.
Organization to be Addressed: Pro Life
Location: Back alley of an illegal abortion clinic.
Backdrop: Seriously? Whatever the hell is in the alley. I’m assuming there will be dumpsters and such.
Notes: We can go right for the throat on this one and have a guy taking out the trash during the press conference. I’m not implying anything…You think what you want.
Organization to be Addressed: FOP
Location: Somewhere in Camden or Detroit.
Backdrop: Drug deal.
Notes: Deal goes sour when the buyer realizes a couple of punk kids just sold him a bag Oregano. Fist fight breaks out, Police intervene. All parties are arrested and evidence is confiscated. Pizza is then delivered. Evidence is sprinkled over pizza, press conference concludes. Pizza is served to all in attendance.
Organization to be Addressed: FCC
Location: In the middle of nowhere (so our wireless equipment will still work without interference).
Backdrop: Large video wall with no actual video feed, just snow on the screen, possibly a test pattern.
Notes: Randomly drop wireless feed, insert audio of Bob Saget from the Aristocrats DVD. Press conference will be live…With NO delay. Prepare to be fined heavily.
As I develop the rest of our platform, more press conferences will be engineered for maximum exposure. There are a lot of issues at hand, and I could probably dedicate a whole entire post to the press conference I would hold on Wall Street. I’ll just say this…it will be the most decadent press conference ever, and it will be used to beg for campaign funds.