Headboy’s New Jersey Driver Manual

The other day Headboy and I went to visit The Village Idiot at work. In order to curb our drinking and get home early he drove. That was the first mistake. Mistake number two was the fact that the bar was packed. We needed a plan B. Plan A was a steaming pile of crap. So we went to The Tree Murder’s place instead. This meant we had to stop and get beer. The route was analyzed and a liquor store was picked, we were on our way.

A little word on Head’s driving skills before I continue on this downward spiral. Headboy is not a bad driver. I have been on jobs with this guy in a 24′ box truck. We’re both still alive and no personal property was damaged. That being said, what I am about to describe to you made me almost urinate all over the floor of his girl’s car.

A little side note on the car. Me and Head were in a car with Care Bear stickers on the dashboard. If we got pulled over I couldn’t wait to see the look on that cops face. And speaking of getting pulled over…Head decided to take making an illegal turn to a whole new level of shit.

The liquor store. It has been in the same spot for many a year. Recently, and by recently I mean in the last six months or so, the town has been trying to rehabilitate their main street. Putting in old fashioned street lights, benches, plants and such. This also means they removed some of the entrances to the shopping center where the liquor store has take up residence. Head’s driveway is now MIA. No big deal, except for the fact that he was already turning…Into a driveway that didn’t exist.
Now I’m sure you’re all expecting a curb jump or something along those lines, but you should know by now we aren’t going out like that. Nope. Head improvised. He saw the handicapped pedestrian ramp. Not only did he elect to use it, but the car fit. At this point, I was cracking up. Tears were about to stream down my face from the laughter. Head of course was just wondering if a cop saw what took place. Not that we had even had anything to drink yet, but I’m assuming if a cop saw that procedure we would be pissed. The fact that it was done to get to liquor store would probably make it worse.

I have to jump off the story again briefly. If he had gotten pulled over I would have loved to hear the cop radio that one in to dispatch. I would’ve had that ticket bronzed and framed.

Back to the story.
So he sat there in the car laughing in a somewhat panicked state. I myself was still cracking up. Not only was the turn completely ridiculous, but that fact that the car fit up a handicapped ramp was amazing to me. I know those things are over sized, but big enough for a car? Awesome. I couldn’t regain my composure to go into the liquor store. All I could do was laugh. And when I got done laughing, the first thought that ran through my mind was to call someone and tell this story. As I grabbed my phone I realized I needed to tell the masses. I decided not to make any calls, just a note. The note consisted of the post title and this phrase, “If there isn’t a driveway where you need one, you can make one out of the pedestrian walkway.” I am going to officially petition the New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commission to have this added to the driving manual. I’m also trying to have an explanation of what a jug handle is, and the only way to execute a perfect “Jersey Sweep.” Which by the way, you don’t need to live in Jersey to witness. A Jersey Sweep can happen anywhere on any road that has at least three lanes.
So I leave you with this, be careful on the roads during this holiday season. Most people’s relatives drive them to drink, but the sober ones can be dangerous too.


4 Responses to “Headboy’s New Jersey Driver Manual”

  1. 2 dUb-iLL December 10, 2008 at 15:56

    Total Times I’ve been in a car while Headboy was Driving: 1
    The Date: October 13, 1993
    Planned Route: Haddon Heights -> Cherry Hill Mall -> Haddon Heights
    1st Leg: HH -> CHM Via Kings Highway to Grove Street
    Times Pulled Over: 2 (once by a Haddonfield Cop and Once by a Cherry Hill Cop)
    # of Tickets: 1 (HF Cop; Wreckless Driving, CH cop; got a headache from talking to him for 5 minutes and let us go)
    2nd Leg: CHM -> HH (Same as route 1st Leg, just reversed)
    # of tickets: 0 ( HF cop; gives Headboy a Ticket and Headboy responds to it by saying, “I just got one of these 3 hours ago!” Officer responds to that by making Headboy leave the car parked in the street on Kings Hwy and making us all walk home.)
    Next Day: Headboy’s father goes to pick up the car and it won’t start, diagnosis for the auto is a broken rod in the engine. The car was never driven again.

  2. 3 bigsteeltoe December 30, 2008 at 18:27

    Head boy has damaged personal property, there is a BMW missing its side view mirror to this day in NYC and a small child that has been scared for life by the incident

  3. 4 insultants December 30, 2008 at 18:30

    Well, at least he scared a small child in the process.

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