My Holiday Cheer comes in a Twelve Pack

It’s Christmas Eve. It’s not cold enough to snow. Eh. Whatever. It is however, cold enough to get sloshed with family and friends. It’s also the right time of year to circumvent traditional means and move into the new digital age. I’m talking about holiday cards. Christmas cards, Hanukkah cards, Kwanzaa cards and Fetivus cards. Why take the time to go get a Hallmark Card, sign it, address it and mail it weeks in advance? Here a few annoying ways to lazily wish your friends good tidings:

Send them a text message. But make sure that everybody else is going to do this too. Nothing says happy holidays like exceeding someones text plan.
Post a greeting on a social networking site like MySpace or Facebook. This also works better when just about everyone you know does it.
Leave a voice mail of your drunken rendition of Feliz Navidad. If you have a chorus of drunks, it has a greater impact. If you have a chorus of drunks assembled at noon, then you have the ultimate holiday greeting.

Now I’m sure by now you’re asking yourself, “What the hell does this jerk off have against holiday cards?”
Well first of all they suck. If some idiot sends you a card, you ‘have’ to send one back. If you don’t you are looked upon as a social pariah, and a douche bag. I’m not into celebrating my holidays by being forced into some antiquated tradtion, that motivates people to go to Sears and have greeting cards made of their Bill Cosby holiday sweater wearing family portrait. Just a note. If you have my address, and feel the need to send me a card, I probably already know what you and your family look like. There are other types cards that are also horribly annoying.
Well, in this case not the card so much, but they shit that is carefully concealed inside. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then good for you. That means nobody ever sent you a card that was full of confetti. What jack ass came up with stupid idea?
Hmm…I want to send a card to somebody. The card should be nice, but I should fill it with small glittery things that I bought at the dollar store. This may be the worst idea ever. Nothing says happy holidays like opening a card and immediately grabbing the dust buster while cursing like this guy. Last, but not least musical cards. This didn’t use to be a problem. They used to be really cheesy, and that’s why they worked. Now, they play music and there are vocals. Seriously? The speaker is the size of a button. It’s mounted behind a piece of 90lb paper. These cards suck. They cost more to mail because they are heavier. It’s not worth the money to buy, or to mail. That being said, I’m gonna start my holiday drinking this afternoon. Nothing says Happy Holidays like day drinkin’.


2 Responses to “My Holiday Cheer comes in a Twelve Pack”

  1. 1 Davis December 24, 2008 at 13:31

    Do they have any emoticons that wish a Merry Christmas? That text message thing sounds like way too much work.

  2. 2 insultants December 24, 2008 at 14:12

    I’m sure somebody with way to much free time and the right software could hook you up with something that would work.

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