The new year is upon us. With your Hanukkah and Kwanzaa celebrations in full swing, you might not think that there is any time left to come up with any new year’s resolutions. You would be sadly mistaken. This giant clusterfuck which has been referred to as 2008 is getting a little bit longer. One whole second longer. Due to fluctuations in the speed of the the earth’s rotation and something about to much porn on the internet.
Screw this. The science is boring. Nobody cares. Except the IERS. Yes, the International Earth Rotation Service cares. But with a name like that, they would have to. Apparently, our twenty four hour time system has no room for flux. Makes sense to me. Time creates structure. Time was created by man. This means we have control over time (I feel an evil scheme coming to mind…). Well, control over resynchronizing it with the earth’s actual orbit. But I digress, what I really want to discuss is how to make yourself a better person in the new year. OK, that is also not my point. I don’t give a damn about you or what you are going to do in 2009.
I am starting my own naming convention for the years. Now the Chinese have been doing this for a long time, and they have a whole entire system established. 2008 is the Year of the Rat. 2009 is the Year of the Ox. In my traditional lack of sanity, I’m just going to wing it and hope it works. So here goes nothing.
2008 will be dubbed the Year of The Fail.
2009 will be named the Year of The Epic Fail.
2010 will be called the Year of The Douche Nozzle.
2011 will be given the title Year of Procrastination.
2012 will be the Year of The Win.
And that will also be the end of the world according to the Mayans, so I see no need to continue this mess until we make it to 2013.
Somehow I still have made no progress towards discussing any new years resolutions.
I blame the ADD. So here we go…Every year it’s the same thing.
With the exhilarating feeling of being able to start a new year on a good note, we fool ourselves into thinking we can make changes as easily as flipping a switch. Here is what always happens to me. I make my resolutions out of some life altering grand suggestion that I think will make me a better person. When I wake up on January first I’m hungover and the first thing I do is push off all of my resolutions till the second day of the year. This year I am making a list were item number one will be accomplished by design. My number one resolution for 2009 is to procrastinate. Now, the prospect of wasting January first is no longer a burden or a resolution killer. It is now an astounding success. This now enables me to move forward with the confidence of knowing that I haven’t destroyed my goals for 2009. Here are a few more things I’m counting on accomplishing in the new year:
Work out more.
– Instead of lifting 12 or 16 ounce drinkable weights, I will lift 40s. I’m to angry to be a jolly fat man.
-I will attempt to curb my language. By next January I should be one rung down the ladder, having moved from sailor to truck driver.
Insult more people.
– Because they deserve it.
Kill more Hobos.
– They are a pox on our society that must be dealt with, even if I have to do it myself.
Give more to charity.
– I will be lifting my ban on strip joints. I believe that supporting single moms is good for everyone’s future.
Staying true to myself.
– I don’t know if it is even possible for me to give any less of a damn about what anybody else says or does, but I’m going to try anyway.
So there is my short list. It may expand, I’ve got a few days left. I encourage you to come up with your own list, but I don’t encourage you to tell me about, because I don’t give a damn. That last resolution may be easier to keep then I originally thought.