I would like to end the year on a high note. Just kidding. Although, I would like to end the year while high. Crap. Three sentences in and I’m already off topic. I think that is a record. Back to business.
Care Bears. If you’re not familiar with them, don’t bother reading the rest of this till you Google those cute little bastards. Now sticking to my usual debauchery, I’m not going to talk in detail about the Care Bears that you have come to know and love. I’m gonna talk about the ones that didn’t make the cut.
The hell with it, I’m gonna take out the good old favorites first. (My ADD is in full swing today)
Bedtime Bear. He likes to stay up all night. Good for him. He can stay up all night because he’s doing coke.
Cheer Bear. She’s happy all of the damn time. Of course she is, she’s a bear I don’t think female bears suffer from things like PMS.
Grumpy Bear. Now there’s one that makes sense to me. What a miserable douche.
Share Bear. She’ll share anything…Even VD.
Grams Bear. She gives good advice because she has years of wisdom. To bad she is on the verge of losing her mind.
Now for the little scamps that didn’t make into the greeting cards, the TV show, the movie, or the re-launch of the mov…Screw this. You get my point.
Violence Bear. This Steroid filled meat head solves everything by fighting.
Insignia: Crossed Needles.
Hippie Bear. He owns a VW Bus and drives it around the country following the band Phish. He is also opposed to showering regularly and holding down a job that does random drug testing.
Insignia: Smoking tye-dyed peace sign.
Pyromaniac Bear. He likes to light things on fire.
Insignia: Burnt match stick.
Alcoholic Bear. This guy loves the drink. Almost as much as he loves beating his wife.
Insignia: Empty pint and shot glass.
Nymphomaniac Bear. She can’t stop humping any bear she sees.
Insignia: Used condom.
Battered Woman Bear. She is married to Alcoholic Bear. She has horribly low self esteem and is afraid to leave her abusive husband.
Insignia: Tear drop.
Insurance Fraud Bear. He is a lazy jerk that likes scamming insurance companies. He is best friends with Pyro Bear.
Racist Bear. He hates everyone that doesn’t look and act like him.
Stupid Bear. He is an idiot. Enough said.
Insignia: There isn’t one. He has no idea what the word ‘insignia’ means.
Erectile Dysfunction Bear. He is the only bear that Nymphomaniac Bear hasn’t nailed.
Insignia: Wet noodle.
Narcoleptic Bear. He’s really cool, but he falls asleep at the drop of a hat.
Insignia: Fluffy Pillow.
Chronic Masturbation Bear. Seriously. I don’t think I have to explain this one.
Insignia: Pile of bunched up tissues.
I would like to thank those of you who contributed to the list, back in September. Your suggestions were well received, examined and instantly replaced by some other random thought…Unless I wrote your idea down right away.
And yes. This is how I am going to close out 2008. With a list of messed up Care Bears.
Time to go drink in the New Year.