More Items from the Archives

Before this blog came along, thoughts would waft through my head and disappear forever. On occasions in the past I actually wrote a few things down. OK, a few might actually be pushing the limit.
Along with a bunch of crap I no longer needed to waste space on my hard drive, I found this document titled Things the Terrorists Don’t want you to Know. The file was dated 2003. But after reading the content, I realized that I had started it at least a year before. I reread it today. It still makes me smile and that is all you can ask for with an old joke. So I present to you dear reader, some of my only surviving earlier work.

Things the Terrorists Don’t want you to Know

– No terrorist actually wants to die for his cause. They have all been duped into believing that when they die, they have the ability to come back as ghosts of their former selves and terrorize you in the after life. Or the sex with many virgins thing.

– All anti-American sentiment started out as an underground joke book to combat all of jokes about 7-11 employees.

– The real definition of Jihad is not “Holy War,” but “Down with Starbucks.”

– Osama Bin Laden huffed oil fumes as a child. This continued all the way into his teens. While he was high as a kite, he decided that living in the desert in a mansion wasn’t good enough. He moved further into the desert to live in a cave, carrying only Russian weapons and a home video camera…Oh yeah and a couple thousands of his democracy hating oil huffing friends. His name was subsequently removed from the will and he was disowned. Leaving him to rent video tapes from Blockbuster under an alias. He would watch the movies and not bother to rewind the ones he dubbed shitty. The ones he really hated, he would erase and then reuse to spread his anti-America message. The alias he used to open an account at Blockbuster; Dick Army. (He requested all Blockbuster employees refer to him as Richard)

– The French have never won a war. (Not a terrorist related fact, but it is funny)

– The guy with the shoe bomb had a much better plan in the beginning. His original plan involved a really sweet pair of Reebok Pumps. He designed a very elborate ignition system based on squeezing the inflation device. It was nothing short of brilliant. Since Reebok Pumps went out of style years ago, he could not find a replacement shoe to fit his plans, leaving him to use external an external device. He did have a pink mini-Bic lighter, but that was confiscated by airport security. So he resorted to the pack of matches he stole from the Days Inn. The Days Inn that had accidentally placed him in a smoking room. This mix up involving his reservation made him hate America even more.

– Most homemade bombs use manure. Not just because it is cheap, readily available and safe to handle. It also makes for a good backup plan. If the diagram they found on the internet wasn’t an actual working plan, they could stink up the place for a few days before the U-haul gets towed away for excessive parking tickets.

Reading this made me realize a couple of things. One, my ADD has not progressed over the years. It’s always been this bad. And two, I can’t write anything serious…Unless I am blitzed.


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