Where to begin. My pops showed me an email he had received on Tuesday morning. The email itself isn’t really that funny. The conversation that took place after I read it, made this story worthy material. So here is the email in it’s entirety. The names have been changed to protect the stupid. Running commentary will be italicized.
From: Some Guy
To: My Father
Sent: Tuesday, January 06, 2009 some:time AM
At this point I was already smiling, I know the guy that sent the email. I am assuming that he has no idea what snafu actually means. If you don’t either, I’ll explain. It is an acronym for Situation Normal, All Fucked Up.
Sorry to bother you about this but you may hear about it from other sources and I want you to know the facts as I understand them.
I’m assuming something has been blown up. But I wasn’t even close.
Last night (Monday, January 5th) Missions had a meeting scheduled at 7 PM. Some arrived on time including Generic Female Name and Generic Male Name. No Lights were on and the door was locked (Generic Male Name tried it). Those folks went home. A few minutes later, later arrivals came (including 2nd Generic Male Name and 3rd Generic Male Name). 3rd Generic Male Name rang the bell and Janitor came, opened the door, and turned on the lights. Apparently no one in the first group rang the bell.
This guy is sending an email pointing out that people don’t know how to use a doorbell. I couldn’t wait to continue reading this Pulitzer prize winning piece.
This snafu could have been avoided if:
1) Since Janitor was in the church, he had turned on the lights and unlocked the door prior to the 7 pm start of the meeting. Janitor later told 2nd Generic Male Name he is there every Monday evening (which I did not know).
Not knowing Janitor’s schedule seems to be the least of his problems.
2) Generic Female, as a Chair of Missions, had been given a church key.
Finally, a statement that makes sense. Keys, are good solutions to the problems known as locks.
3) Anyone in the the first group had rung the bell. Since the church was dark, apparently Generic Male Name tried the door assuming no one was in the dark church.
Now he almost had me on that one. The first sentence was beautiful in its simplicity. It could have solved the whole problem, and this email would have never been sent. But he continues, and now I can feel the fail tickling the nerves in my eyes as I read.
I know you and the Trustees will be addressing these issues and I wanted to give you the latest example.
I put the email down, looked at my father and we had this conversation:
Me: So every time somebody forgets what a doorbell is, you get an email? I thought you were on the Board of Trustees, not a watcher of morons.
Dad: (completely ignoring my question) I don’t think he knows what snafu really means.
M: No shit, but the bigger problem is how are we going to explain to everyone how doorbells can change their lives forever?
D: (laughing) I don’t know.
M: Are you going to send a reply to this email? Because If I had to, I would have to hold back at least a paragraph or two of stupid and sarcastic fixes to the problem.
D: (still laughing) Oh, I’ve got a few good ones too. We could always crucify Janitor for not turning on the lights and unlocking the door.
At this point in time everyone is laughing, including my mother.
M: I got it. Send back an email that says you will be having a meeting to explain how to use a doorbell at 6:55 pm next Monday night. Then the next week, you can discuss how to use light switches. But only after they have mastered the doorbell thing. You don’t want to overload them with information. And by the way, if the lights were off and he assumed no one was in the church, why would he think the door would be unlocked? Man, this is gonna suck. You are going to waste hours in your meeting discussing this horrible problem.
D: Yeah, right.
M: OK, this is the winner. Go get one of those fake key hiding rocks. You know, the ones that don’t actually look like rocks. Bring it to the meeting, but don’t show it to anyone. When this is brought up, stand up. Exclaim that you have a solution. Slam the fake rock down in the center of the table. Throw your hands up in the air like you just won the World Series. Say goodnight, and bail. Leaving them to contemplate what the hell just happened.
I haven’t seen my mom laugh that much in a very long time. Idiots always bring out the best in me. I was amazed by the email. I am still amazed that this is an issue. There is a doorbell. It works. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.
I seriously have to stop. The stupid is starting to hurt my head.
There is fail written all over this, and I will be having no part. I will however, be laughing from the cheap seats.