WTF did I just watch?

I’ve been sick. I had a cold type thing that wouldn’t go away. I would start to feel good enough to go to sleep. When I would get up in the morning, I would feel worse. That is finally done and over with, whatever. That being said, I spent a lot of time trying to keep myself from being bored to tears. I read, I played games, watched some movies and of course watched some good old cable TV. What a horrible idea.

So here we are at a landmark. This is post number one hundred. It’s going to be a rant. Possibly the most epic rant to date. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I hate reality shows. There is no reality in them at all. Season one of MTV’s Real World. That’s it. They took a bunch of people that should never live together and shoved them into a house. That was reality. Now they just manufacture shit. Put people in a stupid situation and make them compete for something, or some one.
It seems that almost every network has some kind of reality show. MTV being one of the forerunners in the category of completely shitty shows that you need to have a lobotomy to watch. However, no network makes me what to dig out my own eyeballs while a toothless hooker with Hep-C urinates into my bleeding ocular cavities more then VH1. These fucks have a veritable plethora of constant shit streaming across the screen at all times. They have spin-offs of spin-offs of spin-offs. For instance, let’s take a look at the shit Flavor of Love spawned. Flavor of Love 2, Flavor of Love 3, Flavor of Love Charm School, I Love New York, I Love New York 2, New York Goes to Hollywood, Real Chance of Love and whatever that show was with Flave and Bridgette Nielsen that was spawned from The Surreal Life. All of these shows make we want to eat glass. I thought shit couldn’t get worse. And then VH1 outdid themselves again. We are now in the third season of Rock of Love. Every time they advertise a new show, I die a little inside. Most of them aren’t new any more. I never actually cared if Flave found a bitch. But to try and shove it down my throat three separate horrible times, it’s just starting to hurt. I hate this crap, I don’t care about these people. I don’t care if they are in love. I don’t even care if you enjoy this crap. What I don’t understand is this; Where in the hell do they keep finding asshole to go on these shows? I just can’t imagine how the casting directors keep finding people that are crazier then their predecessors.

Hi, welcome to casting for Rock of Love Bus. We’re going to stick you on a bus with a bunch of crazy whores like yourself. You will be expected to act like a total drunken whore, who wants to live out her days doing nothing but slobbing Bret Michael’s nob.

I figured this is it. Nothing I could possibly watch on TV could ever top this steaming pile of fail. Then it happened. I saw a show the other day that made the two girls one cup movie look like a Mensa video audition tape. Tool Academy. I can’t even being to believe that these fucks are for real. Holy shit, I could smell the Soul Glow through my TV. These guys make the everyday guido look like a goddamn saint. I was so appalled, I broke up a bunch of glass bottles and eating them. I don’t know why I did that. I just figured it would make me feel better. These guys have what I would assume to be self given nicknames that describe how awesome they think they are. These jackasses are so full of themselves, I’m pretty sure they don’t know they are being paraded around as the world’s biggest assholes. Their arrogance is absolutely astounding. The shit they talk about their own girlfriends is absolutely insane. The interviews they did with these guys are just downright criminal. One guy even refers to his girlfriend as being trained to do all the of the shit he needs done, like his laundry. This show is about a giant pile of assholes, and their doormat girlfriends that just sit there and watch video clips of their men talking about banging other girls. They do a communications exercise. This thing was astounding. One dude throws a chair because he’s a dick, the guy that won took his pants off and was cheering about his “Man Panties.” I really felt the need to eat C-4 and a couple on nine volts, just to see what would happen.
This show is a train that smashed into a school bus that burst into flames and rolled into a petting zoo that was next to a day care, which is now on fire. I watched the whole first episode. Mouth wide open, absolutely confused. I could not change the channel. My morbid curiosity took over and I am definitely dumber now. And much, much angrier.
VH1’s next show will be a half hour of people punching babies. Why you ask? Because the intellectual content will be greater than that of the Tool Academy. I’ve never been that disgusted and that amused at the same time. There will be no need for YouTube knock offs of this show. They are doing it to themselves.


3 Responses to “WTF did I just watch?”

  1. 1 thesarabond January 15, 2009 at 01:25

    hate. yes. hate. best rant of 2009 thus far..

  2. 2 The Village Idiot. January 30, 2009 at 06:26

    2 Things. 1) Not all reality TV is bad. I am assuming I have to remind you of a show Three Sheets. 2) I Love New York.

  3. 3 insultants January 30, 2009 at 11:48

    I don’t consider Three Sheets reality TV. There are real people on the show, but it is still a developed show.
    And I know you love New York, but that old inside joke probably only makes sense to you and me. Now I’m going to have to post another good Village Idiot story, so everybody is on on the joke. Sweet.

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