Well, sadly enough…Nowhere interesting. But that does not mean I have nothing to say. I know the internet didn’t fall apart in my absence, but for some of you it did feel a little different. It has probably been a happier place since I have been silent, but that is about to change. Numerous people have been bugging me repeatedly to continue down this twisted path of profanity and debauchery, so here I am back in the saddle.
I obviously cannot catch you up in this one post, but I will lay the ground work anyway. I truly believe that you can learn something new everyday. Here are some of the things I have learned that I have not had the motivation to type about. That is, until now.
A night of drinking High Life and Rumple Minze should not be capped off with an Irish Car Bomb. Why you ask? I will answer your question, with a question. Have you ever seen The Exorcist?
Good friends, some beer and a campfire is a great way to relax. Having one of your friends drive a lawn tractor (sans blade and deck) through the fire pit, is a good way to scare people. And make them laugh.
The only Doctor you ever need to see should be Dr. McGillicuddy.
The object in the mirror may appear closer than it is, does not apply to something being thrown at the mirror itself.
Ugly babies make angry.
Cute babies make me hungry.
Squirrels will chew on anything.
Squirrels are evil.
I still hate hobos.
It’s not acceptable to poop in your hand and throw at someone. Unless you are a monkey.
Only 40% of licensed drivers truly understand how to use the left lane. This percentage varies from state to state, and I made it up.
The home run derby just isn’t the same without the roids or HGH.
Shotgun rounds can be fired from a brush mower.
My Jedi mind tricks work better when I’m drunk.
The go to small talk phrase, “So how about this weather we are having.” Has been unofficially replaced by “So when do you think this economy is gonna turn around?”
Most things that happen in life can be compared to an episode of Seinfeld.
I’m back you bastards. I hope you can hold on tight enough to stay on the ride.