Posts Tagged 'beer'

Where in the hell have I been?

Well, sadly enough…Nowhere interesting. But that does not mean I have nothing to say. I know the internet didn’t fall apart in my absence, but for some of you it did feel a little different. It has probably been a happier place since I have been silent, but that is about to change. Numerous people have been bugging me repeatedly to continue down this twisted path of profanity and debauchery, so here I am back in the saddle.

I obviously cannot catch you up in this one post, but I will lay the ground work anyway. I truly believe that you can learn something new everyday. Here are some of the things I have learned that I have not had the motivation to type about. That is, until now.

A night of drinking High Life and Rumple Minze should not be capped off with an Irish Car Bomb. Why you ask? I will answer your question, with a question. Have you ever seen The Exorcist?

Good friends, some beer and a campfire is a great way to relax. Having one of your friends drive a lawn tractor (sans blade and deck) through the fire pit, is a good way to scare people. And make them laugh.

The only Doctor you ever need to see should be Dr. McGillicuddy.

The object in the mirror may appear closer than it is, does not apply to something being thrown at the mirror itself.

Ugly babies make angry.

Cute babies make me hungry.

Squirrels will chew on anything.

Squirrels are evil.

I still hate hobos.

It’s not acceptable to poop in your hand and throw at someone. Unless you are a monkey.

Only 40% of licensed drivers truly understand how to use the left lane. This percentage varies from state to state, and I made it up.

The home run derby just isn’t the same without the roids or HGH.

Shotgun rounds can be fired from a brush mower.

My Jedi mind tricks work better when I’m drunk.

The go to small talk phrase, “So how about this weather we are having.” Has been unofficially replaced by “So when do you think this economy is gonna turn around?”

Most things that happen in life can be compared to an episode of Seinfeld.

I’m back you bastards. I hope you can hold on tight enough to stay on the ride.


March Madness

Day 1 Recap.
There will be no mention of basketball whatsoever.

Bar Tab:
Bottle Coors Light x6
Bottle MGD 64 x13
Famous Fries
Chicken Nachos
Pint Leinenkugles x4
Buffalo Nugget Basket x2
Btl Miller High Life x14
Bottle Miller Light x53
Wash. Apple x8
20 Wings
Crab Dip
Buffalo Nugget Basket w/Famous Fries
Red Head Slut
Southwestern Egg Roll
Bottle Corona
Bacardi Limon
Jaegermeister Snifter

Yes, you did read that correctly. 53 Miller Lites.
I wonder what is gonna happen on day 2.

When Corned Beef Attacks

This weekend I got a couple guest appearances at the good old watering hole. Not as a customer, but as a bar back. Reminiscent of the days gone by, I always have a couple of thoughts concerning covering a shift. My first thought is usually about how I miss the bar business. Meeting good/strange/outright weird people is always an adventure. My next thought covers the other side of the spectrum. How glad I am to be out of the bar business. I was never able to properly adapt to working for tips. I have always preferred a steady paycheck. But this is not my point.
Friday night was uneventful, I was brought on as a spare. We were not busy. At 22:00, I told my manager I was bored and that he didn’t need me anymore, grabbed a beer and sat down at the bar. Not so bad for only three hours of work.

Saturday was a little different. Saturday I got my junk smashed by a box of Corned Beef. I’ll let that settle before I go on.

While leaning over a sea of kegs to get to a tap, I caught the corner of a box right in the nuggets. Now over the years, I have hurt myself on the job. Mostly minor cuts and bruises. This takes the cake. It was both painful and funny. As I walked out of the fridge slightly hunched over and trying to hold back some laughter I had one thought. “Man, I can’t wait until the internet hears about this.”

Enjoy your St. Patty’s Day festivities.
Don’t eat to much cabbage.

Parking Lot Art

Last night I walked out the back door and I saw this:

The bar was dead, the back lot was empty and Wu decided to draw a big penis in the snow. I guess he didn’t feel like making a snow angel.
After reviewing the picture we figured that it didn’t really do the art justice. So I tried again.

I took this shot from the roof. Note the almost “spotlight from heaven effect” at the head.
This is the sort of shit that happens on $1 PBR Night.


Sunday afternoon started out innocent enough. We were celebrating J-me’s birthday with a nice meal, good friends and of course alcohol. Food was consumed, the champagne was popped and we were off to the races. I did some catching up with a few people that I hadn’t seen in ages. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. There was a vagina drawing competition. It seems that no one knows how to draw a vagina. Personally, I can’t even draw a stick figure. So I was already out. But there were actual submissions. Stupid drew what seemed to be a couple slices of frying bacon. Ginger drew what appeared to be a canoe. I apologize for not having prints made up. All in all, a mild party that was over by about 20:30.

Then we went out. That is when the shit show started. Shots were poured, more people showed up and the heavens spilled down booze for all. There were girls motorboating one another. I got molested…Repeatedly. And all of this was just a precursor to the body shots. There is absolutely no better to lose track of how much you drank then by doing shots of hot chicks while they are laying on the bar. That being said, I think my hangover is getting into full swing. I’m finding it hard to concentrate. I’ll have to finish this another time. After someone has filled in all the details that I can’t remember.

Oh, and J-me’s birthday is actually next week. So that means we will be doing this all over again. But for now, I’m going to slug a pot of coffee and watch a VHS copy of Teen Wolf. Enjoy the rest of your work day.

Crappy New Year

The new year is upon us. With your Hanukkah and Kwanzaa celebrations in full swing, you might not think that there is any time left to come up with any new year’s resolutions. You would be sadly mistaken. This giant clusterfuck which has been referred to as 2008 is getting a little bit longer. One whole second longer. Due to fluctuations in the speed of the the earth’s rotation and something about to much porn on the internet.
Screw this. The science is boring. Nobody cares. Except the IERS. Yes, the International Earth Rotation Service cares. But with a name like that, they would have to. Apparently, our twenty four hour time system has no room for flux. Makes sense to me. Time creates structure. Time was created by man. This means we have control over time (I feel an evil scheme coming to mind…). Well, control over resynchronizing it with the earth’s actual orbit. But I digress, what I really want to discuss is how to make yourself a better person in the new year. OK, that is also not my point. I don’t give a damn about you or what you are going to do in 2009.
I am starting my own naming convention for the years. Now the Chinese have been doing this for a long time, and they have a whole entire system established. 2008 is the Year of the Rat. 2009 is the Year of the Ox. In my traditional lack of sanity, I’m just going to wing it and hope it works. So here goes nothing.
2008 will be dubbed the Year of The Fail.
2009 will be named the Year of The Epic Fail.
2010 will be called the Year of The Douche Nozzle.
2011 will be given the title Year of Procrastination.
2012 will be the Year of The Win.
And that will also be the end of the world according to the Mayans, so I see no need to continue this mess until we make it to 2013.
Somehow I still have made no progress towards discussing any new years resolutions.
I blame the ADD. So here we go…Every year it’s the same thing.
With the exhilarating feeling of being able to start a new year on a good note, we fool ourselves into thinking we can make changes as easily as flipping a switch. Here is what always happens to me. I make my resolutions out of some life altering grand suggestion that I think will make me a better person. When I wake up on January first I’m hungover and the first thing I do is push off all of my resolutions till the second day of the year. This year I am making a list were item number one will be accomplished by design. My number one resolution for 2009 is to procrastinate. Now, the prospect of wasting January first is no longer a burden or a resolution killer. It is now an astounding success. This now enables me to move forward with the confidence of knowing that I haven’t destroyed my goals for 2009. Here are a few more things I’m counting on accomplishing in the new year:

Work out more.
– Instead of lifting 12 or 16 ounce drinkable weights, I will lift 40s. I’m to angry to be a jolly fat man.

Curse less.
-I will attempt to curb my language. By next January I should be one rung down the ladder, having moved from sailor to truck driver.

Insult more people.
– Because they deserve it.

Kill more Hobos.
– They are a pox on our society that must be dealt with, even if I have to do it myself.

Give more to charity.
– I will be lifting my ban on strip joints. I believe that supporting single moms is good for everyone’s future.

Staying true to myself.
– I don’t know if it is even possible for me to give any less of a damn about what anybody else says or does, but I’m going to try anyway.

So there is my short list. It may expand, I’ve got a few days left. I encourage you to come up with your own list, but I don’t encourage you to tell me about, because I don’t give a damn. That last resolution may be easier to keep then I originally thought.

Another day, another dollar…Wait, where did that dollar go?

Well, here we are again. Another Monday. Happy Hanukkah. Winter is now technically in full swing. For those of you living in places like the northeast, you have already been experiencing winter. You probably also are appalled by the fact that Sunday the 21st is the official start of winter. It’s been cold. It didn’t get cold yesterday. After I get done writing this, I’m going to burn my calendar. First of all, because I’m now angry. Second of all, it will help keep me warm.
Now Christmas is upon us. I an few days Christians will be celebrating the birth of JC. How? We give each other stuff. But not me. For Christmas this year, I’m giving out I.O.U.s. Why you ask? Not because the economy is is the crapper, but because some lazy fuck decided that instead of trying to work for a living, they would charge shit to my debit card. Awesome. Not only do I have to buy gifts for people I know, but now people I don’t know are using my money to buy shit for other people I don’t know. My bank was just as comforting. They tell me it should take a few weeks to get my money back…up to sixty days. Even better. Merry Christmas hard earned cash, I’ll see you next year. On top of all this, they actually overdrew my checking account. So not only do I have to wait to get my money back, but I then have to return to the bank and ask someone to ask a supervisor to help me get back the overdraft fee, which was not my fault. On that note, I’ll move on to something else just as messed up and depressing. I have been to two Christmas parties this year. I know what you are thinking, this story should now take a turn for the better. It will, but not for long. Christmas party number one. Possibly the coolest party I attend every year. It’s a mandatory girls in skirts, guys in ties party. For lack of a better term, it’s a formal. A bunch of people get together in a small apartment and drink to much. Everybody has a good time. This brings me to party number two. Party number two was just about the same minus a dress code. Except for the fact that party number two almost ended with a domestic. I have no desire to say anymore. Since I’m not sure how it started, I’m not at liberty to publish details. Besides, it wasn’t even close to what I would consider fun. So I leave you with this…It’s Monday. No matter what happens, your Monday will probably be much better than my weekend, especially if you’re Jewish. Again, Happy Hanukkah.


When you need to offend more people in less time.

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