Posts Tagged 'booze'

Where in the hell have I been?

Well, sadly enough…Nowhere interesting. But that does not mean I have nothing to say. I know the internet didn’t fall apart in my absence, but for some of you it did feel a little different. It has probably been a happier place since I have been silent, but that is about to change. Numerous people have been bugging me repeatedly to continue down this twisted path of profanity and debauchery, so here I am back in the saddle.

I obviously cannot catch you up in this one post, but I will lay the ground work anyway. I truly believe that you can learn something new everyday. Here are some of the things I have learned that I have not had the motivation to type about. That is, until now.

A night of drinking High Life and Rumple Minze should not be capped off with an Irish Car Bomb. Why you ask? I will answer your question, with a question. Have you ever seen The Exorcist?

Good friends, some beer and a campfire is a great way to relax. Having one of your friends drive a lawn tractor (sans blade and deck) through the fire pit, is a good way to scare people. And make them laugh.

The only Doctor you ever need to see should be Dr. McGillicuddy.

The object in the mirror may appear closer than it is, does not apply to something being thrown at the mirror itself.

Ugly babies make angry.

Cute babies make me hungry.

Squirrels will chew on anything.

Squirrels are evil.

I still hate hobos.

It’s not acceptable to poop in your hand and throw at someone. Unless you are a monkey.

Only 40% of licensed drivers truly understand how to use the left lane. This percentage varies from state to state, and I made it up.

The home run derby just isn’t the same without the roids or HGH.

Shotgun rounds can be fired from a brush mower.

My Jedi mind tricks work better when I’m drunk.

The go to small talk phrase, “So how about this weather we are having.” Has been unofficially replaced by “So when do you think this economy is gonna turn around?”

Most things that happen in life can be compared to an episode of Seinfeld.

I’m back you bastards. I hope you can hold on tight enough to stay on the ride.


March Madness

Day 1 Recap.
There will be no mention of basketball whatsoever.

Bar Tab:
Bottle Coors Light x6
Bottle MGD 64 x13
Famous Fries
Chicken Nachos
Pint Leinenkugles x4
Buffalo Nugget Basket x2
Btl Miller High Life x14
Bottle Miller Light x53
Wash. Apple x8
20 Wings
Crab Dip
Buffalo Nugget Basket w/Famous Fries
Red Head Slut
Southwestern Egg Roll
Bottle Corona
Bacardi Limon
Jaegermeister Snifter

Yes, you did read that correctly. 53 Miller Lites.
I wonder what is gonna happen on day 2.


Sunday afternoon started out innocent enough. We were celebrating J-me’s birthday with a nice meal, good friends and of course alcohol. Food was consumed, the champagne was popped and we were off to the races. I did some catching up with a few people that I hadn’t seen in ages. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. There was a vagina drawing competition. It seems that no one knows how to draw a vagina. Personally, I can’t even draw a stick figure. So I was already out. But there were actual submissions. Stupid drew what seemed to be a couple slices of frying bacon. Ginger drew what appeared to be a canoe. I apologize for not having prints made up. All in all, a mild party that was over by about 20:30.

Then we went out. That is when the shit show started. Shots were poured, more people showed up and the heavens spilled down booze for all. There were girls motorboating one another. I got molested…Repeatedly. And all of this was just a precursor to the body shots. There is absolutely no better to lose track of how much you drank then by doing shots of hot chicks while they are laying on the bar. That being said, I think my hangover is getting into full swing. I’m finding it hard to concentrate. I’ll have to finish this another time. After someone has filled in all the details that I can’t remember.

Oh, and J-me’s birthday is actually next week. So that means we will be doing this all over again. But for now, I’m going to slug a pot of coffee and watch a VHS copy of Teen Wolf. Enjoy the rest of your work day.

Crappy New Year

The new year is upon us. With your Hanukkah and Kwanzaa celebrations in full swing, you might not think that there is any time left to come up with any new year’s resolutions. You would be sadly mistaken. This giant clusterfuck which has been referred to as 2008 is getting a little bit longer. One whole second longer. Due to fluctuations in the speed of the the earth’s rotation and something about to much porn on the internet.
Screw this. The science is boring. Nobody cares. Except the IERS. Yes, the International Earth Rotation Service cares. But with a name like that, they would have to. Apparently, our twenty four hour time system has no room for flux. Makes sense to me. Time creates structure. Time was created by man. This means we have control over time (I feel an evil scheme coming to mind…). Well, control over resynchronizing it with the earth’s actual orbit. But I digress, what I really want to discuss is how to make yourself a better person in the new year. OK, that is also not my point. I don’t give a damn about you or what you are going to do in 2009.
I am starting my own naming convention for the years. Now the Chinese have been doing this for a long time, and they have a whole entire system established. 2008 is the Year of the Rat. 2009 is the Year of the Ox. In my traditional lack of sanity, I’m just going to wing it and hope it works. So here goes nothing.
2008 will be dubbed the Year of The Fail.
2009 will be named the Year of The Epic Fail.
2010 will be called the Year of The Douche Nozzle.
2011 will be given the title Year of Procrastination.
2012 will be the Year of The Win.
And that will also be the end of the world according to the Mayans, so I see no need to continue this mess until we make it to 2013.
Somehow I still have made no progress towards discussing any new years resolutions.
I blame the ADD. So here we go…Every year it’s the same thing.
With the exhilarating feeling of being able to start a new year on a good note, we fool ourselves into thinking we can make changes as easily as flipping a switch. Here is what always happens to me. I make my resolutions out of some life altering grand suggestion that I think will make me a better person. When I wake up on January first I’m hungover and the first thing I do is push off all of my resolutions till the second day of the year. This year I am making a list were item number one will be accomplished by design. My number one resolution for 2009 is to procrastinate. Now, the prospect of wasting January first is no longer a burden or a resolution killer. It is now an astounding success. This now enables me to move forward with the confidence of knowing that I haven’t destroyed my goals for 2009. Here are a few more things I’m counting on accomplishing in the new year:

Work out more.
– Instead of lifting 12 or 16 ounce drinkable weights, I will lift 40s. I’m to angry to be a jolly fat man.

Curse less.
-I will attempt to curb my language. By next January I should be one rung down the ladder, having moved from sailor to truck driver.

Insult more people.
– Because they deserve it.

Kill more Hobos.
– They are a pox on our society that must be dealt with, even if I have to do it myself.

Give more to charity.
– I will be lifting my ban on strip joints. I believe that supporting single moms is good for everyone’s future.

Staying true to myself.
– I don’t know if it is even possible for me to give any less of a damn about what anybody else says or does, but I’m going to try anyway.

So there is my short list. It may expand, I’ve got a few days left. I encourage you to come up with your own list, but I don’t encourage you to tell me about, because I don’t give a damn. That last resolution may be easier to keep then I originally thought.

Marijuana vs. Hobos

Take a look at your calendar. As usual on this date, the internet is buzzing with joyous hippies, elated stoners and all those angry people who still support D.A.R.E.
This year let’s try something different. Don’t just smoke pot and be happy. Smoke pot and go beat the shit out of a dirty hobo. Yeah, that’s what I said. Go beat a hobo. Hobos are a pimple on the ass of society. For all the straight edge out there, just go beat a hobo. Don’t focus your efforts hating on the potheads. On 4-20 everyone should be happy. Because you should be stoned. We should celebrate life, unity and the pursuit of making pot legal. Let’s make hobos illegal. Face it people, a hobo is just a combination of a dirty bum and a hitchhiker. There is nothing good about that. Pot on the other hand is not only a fun recreational drug, but it also works great as medication. Marijuana isn’t a gateway drug either. I don’t care what you say. Your pot dealer is usually the gateway. They always know “a guy,” that can get you anything else. They’re like sales people that get points for referrals. Now I know some of you still aren’t convinced. Fine, here is a example of why pot should be legal as shown by the effects of being high v. being drunk (subject in example is either ex-frat boy or dumb meat head).

Guy goes to bar, comes home horny and smelling of booze. Wife is angry and goes to bed. Dude goes back to bar, gets in fight and goes to jail.

Guy goes over to friends and smokes a couple joints and plays video games. Guy goes home kisses his wife on the cheek, eats a sandwich and passes out. No fighting, no jail time, just sleep.

Now there is some amount of exaggeration in that story, but not much. Where is the harm in that? So back to my point. Legalize marijuana and regulate it, and make money on it instead of wasting money trying to stop it. Make hobos illegal. Why? Somebody has to have a battle to fight. If Marijuana became legal, people would go after booze…Again. When that doesn’t work they’ll go after something else like bunnies or some shit. The Masses need a cause, a scapegoat of sorts. Stop bitching about pot and start bitching about hobos. You ever tried to smoke a hobo? Doesn’t have the same aroma as the Mary Jane. Even if you clean them and dry them out, they still smell like failure and banjos.

The Official Norml Website

Disclaimer: I do not advocate the beating of hobos. Well I do actually. But here is the deal, if you want to beat a hobo fine. Not because I said you should, but because you want to. I will not be held responsible for any hobo deaths (unless it is by my own hand). Nor will the excuse, “But I just do what the internet tells me to do,” work in a court of law.

Happy 4-20.

Tasteless Toasts

I’m sure at least a few of these are not at all foreign to you. You probably know some of them, or half of one and you can never remember the rest of it because you’re already bombed. Well here is just a little archive of some dirty things you can say to people in a bar. Not only will they not get mad, they will clink their glass and smile. Well, somebody will probably get mad. Especially if you’re holding the microphone as some body’s wedding reception.

Here’s to the breezes that blow through the treeses
That lift girls’ skirts above their kneezes
It reveals a spot which is so hot
It teases, it pleases, it spreads all diseases
God what a snatch
Down the hatch

Here’s to the hole that never heals
The more you rub it the better it feels
And all the soap this side of hell
Won’t wash away that fishy smell

Here’s to Hell
May my stay there
Be as much fun as my way there

Here is to being single
Seeing double and
Sleeping triple

Offer her your honor
And if she honors your offer
Get honor and offer all night

Here’s to honor
Get on her
Stay on her
And if you can’t cum in her
Cum on her

Here’s to the girl with the little red shoes
She loves her nookie, she loves her booze
She’s lost her cherry, but that’s no sin
She’s still got the box the cherry came in

Here’s to you
Here’s to me
Best of friends we’ll ever be
But if we ever disagree
Then fuck you
Here’s to me

Time is never wasted
When you’re wasted all the time

Here’s to those that wish us well
All the rest can go to hell

Here’s to those who sit when they pee
We love ‘em in leather
We love ‘em in lace
But we love ‘em the best when they sit on our face

Comments in the form of more toasts are welcomed.

Free Beer Tomorrow. Chapter 1.

Now that I have your attention. Sorry for the cheap gag, but I’ve always wanted to do that. I want to talk about booze. I’m going to try and refrain from drinking while writing this. It may not work, but I will try anyway. So beer as we know it today has been through many years of changes and refinements. Here are a few random facts that I have heard/possibly remembered wrong.

Back in 1040 some monks made some beer. They still brew beer there today.
The US Army Veterans Association considers drinking more than one beer once a week alcoholism. I myself am not a Vet, but I would imagine seeing combat would lead most people to drink. More than one beer. Per week. Interesting fact especially in the wake of the attempt to lower the drinking age for soldiers.
All college kids drink light beer. When in fact all college kids drink is cheap beer. I will not take the time to explain this further. If that doesn’t make any sense to you, call me. I’ll stop the world so you can get off.
A night of drinking to much Guinness and Jägermeífter will make you vomit a pure black liquid that resembles a mid-weight motor oil. Don’t ask for details on quantity. I can’t remember.
All cheap beer tastes the same. They don’t all taste the same, but they do all taste cheap. I myself happen to enjoy the taste of cheap beer.
All Light/Lite beer tastes the same. Yet again, no. That being said, most of them still suck.
What the fuck was a Zima?

Yes, I know some of those aren’t facts. So what. I’m just bothered by the fact that drinking is always looked down upon by those who have never touched a drop. Now I’m not saying that they have to go get blitzed to understand alcohol, but look at history. Town meetings used to be held in Pubs. Beer was once safer to drink than water. We might actually be getting back to that soon. I would rather buy a case of beer than a case of water. I’m sure I’m not the only one. Personally, if it wasn’t for Irish Whiskey I would have never had a cup of coffee. So that is an exaggeration, but it is a large part of the reason why I drink coffee today. Mmm…Irish Whiskey. Sorry drifted off for a bit.
I understand all of the negative that surrounds alcohol today. I understand that drinking in higher quantity takes more responsibility, and or the ability to pass out before getting to the point where you are dancing on your neighbors lawn wearing nothing but a lamp shade singing New Kids on the Block songs. I guess my point is that alcohol itself isn’t the problem. You are.



When you need to offend more people in less time.

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