Where in the hell have I been?

Well, sadly enough…Nowhere interesting. But that does not mean I have nothing to say. I know the internet didn’t fall apart in my absence, but for some of you it did feel a little different. It has probably been a happier place since I have been silent, but that is about to change. Numerous people have been bugging me repeatedly to continue down this twisted path of profanity and debauchery, so here I am back in the saddle.

I obviously cannot catch you up in this one post, but I will lay the ground work anyway. I truly believe that you can learn something new everyday. Here are some of the things I have learned that I have not had the motivation to type about. That is, until now.

A night of drinking High Life and Rumple Minze should not be capped off with an Irish Car Bomb. Why you ask? I will answer your question, with a question. Have you ever seen The Exorcist?

Good friends, some beer and a campfire is a great way to relax. Having one of your friends drive a lawn tractor (sans blade and deck) through the fire pit, is a good way to scare people. And make them laugh.

The only Doctor you ever need to see should be Dr. McGillicuddy.

The object in the mirror may appear closer than it is, does not apply to something being thrown at the mirror itself.

Ugly babies make angry.

Cute babies make me hungry.

Squirrels will chew on anything.

Squirrels are evil.

I still hate hobos.

It’s not acceptable to poop in your hand and throw at someone. Unless you are a monkey.

Only 40% of licensed drivers truly understand how to use the left lane. This percentage varies from state to state, and I made it up.

The home run derby just isn’t the same without the roids or HGH.

Shotgun rounds can be fired from a brush mower.

My Jedi mind tricks work better when I’m drunk.

The go to small talk phrase, “So how about this weather we are having.” Has been unofficially replaced by “So when do you think this economy is gonna turn around?”

Most things that happen in life can be compared to an episode of Seinfeld.

I’m back you bastards. I hope you can hold on tight enough to stay on the ride.
Strow

I should move…I’m almost on fire.

That was the thought that ran through my head as I was staring at a slab of rock lining the fire pit. The rock was about three inches away from my face. So now you know the end of the story. It gets better. The beginning and middle are just as good.
I am still a pyromaniac. I probably should have outgrown this years ago, but I don’t feel the need to grow up. Maturity has never been my strong suite. On the other hand, I’m usually not irresponsible. On this cold fall night, I was very, very irresponsible. I was attempting to adjust some rather large pieces of wood in the fire pit. After setting them in by hand I was trying to push a couple into the right spot with my foot. This progressed to pretty much standing on a log in the fire. Now don’t get me wrong. I understand how dumb that was. I also must state I have have done stupider things. I have jumped onto a burning palette in the same fire pit holding a knife and a beer. Why? Well, to pose for a a picture of course. I will admit it was stupid. I will also admit that it is dangerous. But most of all, it was fun. And the picture came out alright. Now when I was standing in the pit this time, a log slid, I slipped and fell. On the way to the ground I tried to miss as much of the fire as possible. This meant I was falling to the edge of the fire pit. Great, now I won’t burst into flames but I may smash my head on a rock. I put my hands out, catch myself and breathe a sigh of relief. I start to push myself back up when I realize that my right leg is getting pretty warm. Crap. I forgot about the fact that 2/3 of my body was still in the fire. I got up quickly, hopped out of the pit and made sure I wasn’t on fire. Mission accomplished. The fire has be stoked. I’m not burnt to a crisp. And somehow I didn’t crack my skull open. Sweet. That means it’s time for another beer.
I love going camping. For a vacation, it’s a lot of work. But camping in a spot where no one gets even a single bar on their phone makes it all worth it.

Sorry for the delay, I have a couple more good ones to come. I should be able to get them posted throughout this week.

Strow