Posts Tagged 'job'

Things you don’t want to hear during a job interview.

We are looking for someone, how should I put this…More attractive.

Your resume and references check out, but you smell like a dead fish.

You are overqualified for the position, but I have to give the job to the unqualified boss’s son.

Why did you bother sitting down?

You look like the kid that used to steal my lunch money in elementary school.

How do you feel about punching babies?

Are you comfortable working without wearing pants?

I’m sorry. You exceed all of our requirements but, currently we are only hiring chinks, gooks, niggers, wetbacks and spics.

We don’t accept applicants that suck at life.

Did your mommy drive you here?

I wouldn’t say you’re our first choice, or even our second. On the upside, your clothes say that you are willing to work for peanuts.

You got the job! Here is a shovel. Go clean up all the shit the last guy left behind.

I’ll give you the job if you give me a handy.

Sorry, I’m not really all here today. My first born son informed me that he wants to be a woman, while I was walking out the door this morning.

Let’s see what the Magic Eight Ball says.

Just put those battery clamps on my nipples.

Why are you staring at me? Do you need something?

My wife just left me. You remind me of her.

You didn’t bring any beer? Get out. NOW.

How many acts of violence is to many for one work day?

So is relocating to North Korea out of the question?

Do you enjoy being flogged with a dead fish?

I hate your face.

I know a corpse that could probably do this job better and in half the time.

Your job application smells like vomit.

Are you crying?

I hope none of you have ever heard any of these things. OK. That’s a lie. Some of you deserve to hear things like this.
Now go get a job you damn hippies.


Trying to Find a Job Can Hurt You…Physically

Story time kiddies. Grab your little squares or rectangles of carpet and sit down on the floor so you are eye level with my crotch.
A friend of mine called me the other day for some help. Nothing major. He justed wanted me to double check some changes he was making to a cover letter. The phone call took less than two minutes. I have a contact at the place he was going to try and get a job. It’s one of those two or more phone calls to get to the right person type of thing. I made my call, subsequently they made their call. I hear back from my source. For lack of a better phase, all systems are go. I call my friend back and proceed to tell him that my contact’s contact is in a meeting so we won’t get to the source till later in the afternoon. Still in high spirits we discuss the usual job interview related things. We address any cover letter issues and move onto attire. Everything seems alright, we end the conversation and he tells me he’s going to shower, shave and drop off the paperwork. I wish him good luck. Still no signs of trouble, he sounded confident on the phone. I figured he would carry this all the way to his place of possible future employment. Less than an hour later I receive another phone call. Here is the cliff notes version of the phone call that takes place.

Me: Hey man what’s up.
Friend: Ehh. Not much.

M: Haven’t heard back from my contact yet. We may not get anything by the end of business today
(It was 15:15).
F: No big deal man. Hey you want to take a trip with me to the ER?

M: What?!? (Now there is no sense of panic in his tone, so I am figuring he wants me to go with him because someone else is hurt.) Uhh…Why are we going to the ER?
F: I just burned my hand while ironing my shirt.

M: Do you need me to drive you?
F: No. I burned myself and called the hospital to ask them what I could put on the burn. They asked me to describe the severity, I did. They told me to come in.

M: Yeah man. (Didn’t really think twice about this one, I’ve been to the ER for said friend before.)
F: We gotta go to Delaware. (Hour down. Hour back. Plus however long they keep his ass there.)

M: Shit man, if you don’t need me to drive you I’m out. (I was currently contemplating which was more important, riding in a car to the hospital or feeding my family.)
F: It’s cool I know it’s going to be a long trip.

M: You sure you don’t need a driver?
F: Nah, I’ll be fine.

M: Alright man, I’ll let you go then. Give me a call when your out.
F: OK, I’ll talk to you later.

I put the phone down and just gazed at the ceiling. What the hell had just happened? Should I have told him I would drive anyway? No way. It can’t be that bad. He sounded way to calm and didn’t even flinch when I told him I couldn’t go with him. I’m figuring that they just wanted to check him out and make sure everything was fine. Maybe they had to tell him to come to the ER. Could be an insurance related thing about treating a patient without seeing them. I don’t know. I still felt a little confused. Then I thought about the last time I had to visit the ER. Same friend, different part of the body, personal watercraft and high speeds. Hell, a small burn with an iron. This guy has seen combat. He has been shot at. No burn on the hand is going to put him down. I relaxed, but still felt a little strange. The whole situation made me wonder how unlucky you would have be to burn yourself, while ironing a shirt, that you were going to wear to make sure you were presentable when you dropped off your resume. Turns out that he gave himself a second to third degree burn. I guess that makes it a two and a half degree burn. On the upside, another friend ended up driving him to the hospital. I guess I will be picking up the next trip seeing that it will be my turn again.
So what has come out of this?
Well let’s see…
He still has no job.
I still feel a little guilty for not going.
He has this goofy looking gauze wrap on a couple of fingers.
We all got another good story about how stupidity and pain can be amusing.
Last but not least, I now feel that it is important to post more accident stories. Trust me, the story about the jet ski accident may be a little more gruesome, but it’s also a lot funnier.
Till next time. Stay safe. If you don’t, you make be my next post.
Jesus, I almost forgot the most important part:
Job interview status upgraded from positive outlook to Fail…I guess I should call that a downgrade. Eh, damned if I care. Upgrade it is.


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