Posts Tagged 'jobs'

Things you don’t want to hear during a job interview.

We are looking for someone, how should I put this…More attractive.

Your resume and references check out, but you smell like a dead fish.

You are overqualified for the position, but I have to give the job to the unqualified boss’s son.

Why did you bother sitting down?

You look like the kid that used to steal my lunch money in elementary school.

How do you feel about punching babies?

Are you comfortable working without wearing pants?

I’m sorry. You exceed all of our requirements but, currently we are only hiring chinks, gooks, niggers, wetbacks and spics.

We don’t accept applicants that suck at life.

Did your mommy drive you here?

I wouldn’t say you’re our first choice, or even our second. On the upside, your clothes say that you are willing to work for peanuts.

You got the job! Here is a shovel. Go clean up all the shit the last guy left behind.

I’ll give you the job if you give me a handy.

Sorry, I’m not really all here today. My first born son informed me that he wants to be a woman, while I was walking out the door this morning.

Let’s see what the Magic Eight Ball says.

Just put those battery clamps on my nipples.

Why are you staring at me? Do you need something?

My wife just left me. You remind me of her.

You didn’t bring any beer? Get out. NOW.

How many acts of violence is to many for one work day?

So is relocating to North Korea out of the question?

Do you enjoy being flogged with a dead fish?

I hate your face.

I know a corpse that could probably do this job better and in half the time.

Your job application smells like vomit.

Are you crying?

I hope none of you have ever heard any of these things. OK. That’s a lie. Some of you deserve to hear things like this.
Now go get a job you damn hippies.


The Pros and Cons of Unemployment

Pro: You have the time and freedom to do what you want, when you want to.
Con: You do not have the money to do anything.

Pro: You can do odd jobs for people to make good old fashion tax free money.
Con: You spend most of your time helping friends. You subsequently get paid in beer and pizza.

Pro: You have plenty of time for masturbation.
Con: You spend so much time looking at internet porn that you forget to keep looking for a new job.

Pro: You can begin drinking at noon on any given day.
Con: You are in bed by eight and then wake up at midnight. You then realize that you will not get back to sleep. You then return to the bar you were at twelve hours ago. You can rationalize this by pointing out that you weren’t there twice on the same day.

Pro: You can watch ALL the TV that you want.
Con: There is only crap on, and you watch it anyway. This makes you feel guilty and like an idiot.

Pro: You can sleep in everyday.
Con: You drink every night…because you can sleep in the next day, no matter what.

Pro: You have more time to spend with friends and family.
Con: They are at work.

Pro: You can culture yourself by reading books.
Con: You waste all your time reading dirty magazines.

Pro: You can go outside on a nice day and just enjoy the weather.
Con: You have to watch people drive by all day long in their nice new cars…On their way to their well paying jobs.

Pro: You you feel as care free as you did when you were younger.
Con: The phone is ringing because your care free ass isn’t paying bills.

Pro: You can get things done around the house that you have been putting off for months.
Con: You have absolutely no motivation to do anything.

Have a nice day at work. Or not…

Oh yeah by the way, your taxes are due today.


When you need to offend more people in less time.

Random Number Generator

  • 73,437 people should be working instead of screwin' around on the internet.

This is how we tweet.

On this day in history, something occurred…somewhere.

May 2018
« Sep    

Back in the Day