insultants

Alternative Title: Headboy v. The Cable Company
Monopoly, is a fun game to play. When it comes down to a Monopoly that is your service provider, well you’re pretty much screwed. I will be referring to said cable/internet/phone provider as Big C. Before I get into Headboy’s story, I will give you a little background info with my own Big C related issues.
I have grown up with Big C’s basic cable service. Not many outages, and the few that are encountered are relatively short. After checking my records I found that I have been using a cable internet connection for almost ten years. Now I’m not inclined to complain to much about the connection. The connection is great. When it works. Almost ten years and eight modems later I am still using the service, but I still dread the service call. Nothing is ever fixed in one trip. I have watched a tech install three modems in one day. Why? The first two were DOA. I watched him open and take the first two modems out of their sealed boxes. The first one didn’t even turn on. The second one was equally as crappy, even though it actually powered up. By the way, those two modems are not included in my original count. Neither of them were actually used before they died. I always have the problem that no one has ever seen before. I always have to call Big C an hour after the tech tells me it may take up to 45 minutes for the modem to get a lock, then proceeds to go to the next call. On more than one occasion I have had the same tech at my house two to three times in one day. Also I have had more than one tech in my house working on the same problem, at the same time. The same problem that no one in the whole entire company has ever witnessed before. In an effort to support Big C’s choke hold on my soul I now also use their phone service. Big C, three. Me, zero. And soulless. I’m not intentionally supporting Big C so they can take over the world, they just have cheaper phone service. Cheaper phone service than the phone company. That sentence seems to defy all logic. If the internet was to implode, that sentence might be the nexus point between the internet as we know it and the end of all humanity. When did the phone company become a big old bag of wuss? They used to be a monopoly. Now they can’t even sell phone service for less than the cable company. Ah, screw the phone company too. Those wing nuts now have cable and internet access via fiber. To bad it is only in a limited area. Usually the limited is about a couple square miles from one of their stations. I get it, it’s gonna take time. Fiber isn’t cheap. Whatever the case, not even satellite can offer all the crazy features that Big C does. Big C is also more reliable. I can still watch my cable when it snows, and I don’t have a dish pointing towards Mecca to get access to a transmitting satellite. Anyway…
Back to Headboy’s cable hell. He is an avid user of digital cable and cable internet. He had been missing a few channels and his internet was acting like a coked up narcoleptic. He went to an office and got a new cable modem and cable box. Shit was still bad. They send a tech to come out between 10:00 and 12:00. Tech gets there at 14:00. He was having just as bad a day as Headboy. He determines the line from the outside needs to be rerun from the pole. He can’t do it, calls another tech with all the good stuff to come out and rerun the cable line. Everything works. For about an hour. Calls Big C, I think for about the third or fourth time by now. They schedule a tech to come out the next day. Between the hours of 13:00 and 17:00. Tech finally makes it by around 20:00. This guy was having a worse day then the last guy. This guy was good, he replaced ends, splitters and anything else he could find that could be a potential problem. He also gave him a brand new modem and explained that the one they had given him at the service center was about as useful as a bag of hammered dog shit. He narrows down the problem to a cable that isn’t even being used. Two days of service calls because the first guy just wanted to get in and out as fast as he could. Then Big C tried to appease the giant cranial mass with a measly twenty dollar credit. Alright. He wasted two whole days of his life waiting for them to stop fucking up a fairly simple fix. Twenty dollars? Come on. That’s about as comforting as getting a monetary refund from a hooker because she gave you AIDS. No one can compete with Big C in their cable/internet/phone monopoly. On the other hand, no can come close to matching the debauchery that they call customer service. Big C, you suck. Your product is great, your service a steaming pile and your call support center couldn’t get any worse even if you had mutes on the other end fielding everybody’s calls.
If it wasn’t for your services, this rant would not be possible. This rant unofficially sponsored by Big C. Big C unofficially loathed by most of their own customers.
Strow

Well another Sunday has come and gone. I as usual, did not go to church. I went to my own house of worship…The bar. Sunday drinking started back when I used to work in the bar business four nights a week. On day five I worked the day shift. Day five was Sunday. I was done by about 19:30 every Sunday. This meant I had almost a full eight hour shift of drinking time. Even though my work schedule has changed over the years, I still find time to drink on Sunday. Last night was no exception. It turned out to be one of those random nights. Random drunk guy asked the bartender to change the channel to watch a hockey game. No big deal, except for the fact that he said something about wanting to watch the blue rays. What? What the hell did he just say? I think he just asked the bartender to change the channel so he could watch a High Definition DVD format play a hockey game. Who the hell where they gonna play? HD-DVD vs. Blu-Ray? Yeah. Last I heard Toshiba forfeit that game.
So now here we are again back to talking about idiots. My colleague and I tried to understand what the hell he was talking about. For those of you who do not follow hockey here a a quick explanation. It’s the Playoffs. There were only two games played yesterday. One of them was at 14:00, the other at 21:00. Being that it was about 21:30 when random guy asked to watch the hockey game, he would have had to been asking to watch the Sharks v. Stars. Neither of these teams sound even remotely like the fictional team he decided was playing. Now maybe he was trying to fit in, maybe he did some good old fashion crack cocaine before he stopped in last night. What I can tell you is that he was for sure an idiot. Can we quarantine these assholes? Why are the dumb allowed to walk among us like everything is fine. All of the Sundays that I have been out drinking could not do as much damage to my mental or physical health as this idiot did in one sentence. The hell with the quarantine, we need to find a way to turn stupid into a weapon. We could annoy the hell out of our enemies with dumb questions and statements that don’t make sense. If we can’t find a way to harness this power and control it, we are all doomed.
I hope you sleep well tonight.
Strow

If I walked up to the person standing next to you and kicked them in the nuts, you would probably laugh. If you don’t you should check your pulse, then cover your balls because you are next.
Violence in video games is funny. There is not a more satisfying feeling than blowing someone away in HALO and watching their corpse fly off into oblivion.. And then there is the tea bag. Not so much violent as is is degrading. Funny none the less. Go watch some stuff on YouTube. People getting hit with shit is hilarious. Now I am not saying we should just start beating the hell out of each other at random for a few laughs. I am saying beat the shit out of each other and film it and post it on the internet so we can have millions of laughs. Lets face facts here people, when somebody clocks you with a plunger, the only person that isn’t laughing is you. Why because you are the butt of the joke. Speaking of butts, watching someone fall on this ass is just hilarious as watching them get clocked. If they don’t hurt themselves really bad, that’s even better. It’s OK to laugh at somebody when they get hurt. You know for a fact they would be laughing at you if you were the asshole. It is however, frowned upon to still be laughing when the ambulance arrives. Have some commonsense. Now I know that’s asking a lot from some of you, but I believe that even the biggest idiot does something intelligent at least once a day…Maybe it’s once a week. Screw it.
Everybody needs to loosen up. A properly timed foot in the way is such an old gag, but it still makes people laugh. I’m gonna lay out some guide lines for those of you who have no idea when or when not to execute such an act.
Bad timing;
- When you are at work.
- When you are in a church.
- When attending a funeral (rigging the corpse to wave at people is a good alternative, except for the fact that this may cause a heart attack or two among the living, thus making you have to attend more funerals. Funerals in general are never fun).
- When the target is holding a sharp object. Examples: scissors, razor blade(s), a Scottish Claymore or a porcupine, just to name a few.

Good Timing:
- When the target is holding a cake
- When the target is getting up from receiving a nut shot.
- After church.
- In front of a large crowd, like at a concert or something of the sort.
- In front of children. Isn’t there some saying about the laughter of children being contagious?
- In front of anyone of the opposite sex.

Now I know there are a bunch more of these, but there is no way I’m going to give away all of my secrets.
Strow

This is a tribute.
Big Steel Toe has moved on. He will be missed.
It wasn’t the Guinness that got him.
It wasn’t the lung cancer.
It wasn’t even the consumption of nothing but red meat.
It was definitely not his time to go. He was to young. It’s ashame when someone you know is suddenly gone. You knew deep down inside this day was going to come. You always thought there would be more time. You procrastinated like you always do, just to be able to cope with the fact that life as you know it will be changed forever. The lives of those around you too. There will be some tears, but ultimately there will be a celebration with friends and family raising a glass to toast what was and what will be. Nothing will be the same.
I will conclude this by stating that it was a beautiful wedding and I wish the two of you the best of luck. Say goodbye to the single life.

Strow

Have you ever noticed how hard it is to get through a whole day without wondering how some people have actually survived in a functional society all these years? I do. I wonder everyday. Idiots are making my life miserable. When I get up in the morning (or afternoon) I’m afraid to leave my house. Not because I have some severe disorder or horrible allergies, but because I will inevitably encounter an idiot. I will not only see them act like an idiot, but I will have to interact with them for some reason. I have heard from some people that I can be offensive. No shit. Thanks for pointing that out. What bothers me is when people feel the need to explain that I have “No Filter.” As much as I hate to admit this, those people are right. It didn’t used to be this way. Somebody used to do something stupid and my response would be to chuckle a bit quietly and go about my day. Now I feel the need to laugh at you hysterically and point it out to everyone within a three mile radius. If you’re an idiot you deserve to be made fun of, constantly. You cause me a lot of stress, anger and headaches because I have to deal with your dumbass everyday. I will need to go somewhere, or buy something, pretty much anywhere in public I am bound to witness astounding stupidity. This affliction is not confined to race, creed, or even age. It is the general population that is out and about that is the problem. Here are a few things that have recently made me want give myself a lobotomy;
- Drivers that have no idea why we refer to the left lane as “the fast lane”
- People that don’t know how to use an ATM. If you don’t get it, turn in your damn debit card and right a fucking check. If I see you standing in line holding a checkbook, I am still mad, but I am not surprised. When I see someone insert a debit card into an ATM I have an expectation. I expect they know how to use the damn ATM.
- People in bars that have no idea what they want to order until they have already wasted 5 minutes of the bartender’s time.
- Drivers that don’t use turn signals. Hey douche bags, I am not a mind reader. Inform me of what you are going to do before you do it, not while you’re doing it.
By the way, I do not suffer from road rage. I am constantly angry with idiots, not just when I’m driving.
- People who bitch about the fact that they are overweight, when they are indeed not. Stop fishing for pity compliments. The are awkward and meaningless. Just like every relationship you have ever had.
- People that feel the need to point out I am offensive. I know I already said this, but I guarantee some idiot has already forgotten that point.

I’m sure some of you with an average, or above average IQ are wondering why I would want to lobotomize myself. For the morons, a lobotomy would destroy part of my brain…”Hey wait a minute wouldn’t that make you an idiot?” Said the dumbass. Yes it would make me an idiot, just like you. That is the whole problem with being stupid. It’s not like cancer, where you are aware of it an can actively treat it. Stupidity is not visible to the stupid. Idiot’s don’t know they’re idiots unless you tell them. By the way, after you tell them. They will still be to stupid to do something about it.
In conclusion, yes a lobotomy would make me an idiot. But from what I can tell I will stand to gain one substantial attribute…I will no longer be annoyed by other stupid people. I won’t be able to tell if they are dumb anymore. That my friends, would make me happy.

I hope today is the day you don’t have to have a close encounter with an idiot.
Strow