3rd Grader Told Teacher She Had to Take a Dump

Heads up Bill Cosby! We’re Chalkin one up for “Kids Say the Darndest Things.” Ah-dope-ah-dope Puddin Pops.

So there’s this guy Walt we work with…Great guy. Nice guy. Shirt off his back kind of guy. Loyal friend. Amazing father. Redneck. Wait what was that last thing? What? Amazing father? No not that… The other thing. Oh redneck? Yes, loud-vulgar redneck with a rapist wit. Quite the character. But I think I really need to drive home the fact that he has the kind of mouth that would make the baby Jesus cry and angels fall from grace, which is why it was no surprise to us, when Walt received a phone call from his nine-year-old daughter’s 3rd grade teacher expressing her concerns over some bad language. “Oh Christ, what the fuck did she say,” exclaimed Walt. “Well she told me that she had to take a hard dump,” replied the teacher. Walt was just as surprised as the teacher to hear this, because as he explained, he usually says “take a shit.”

Again, material for days. After much busting of Walt’s balls, we wondered what else his daughter might have said. Believe you me, it’s all in the delivery, so here’s how you do this one. In your sweetest-little-girl voice you say, “Excuse me…Miss Johnson? I have to (insert euphemism for poop here)!” Here’s the tricky part. The euphemism has to be spoken in the most demonic and thunderous voice that you can roar.

Examples:

Excuse me…Miss Johnson? I have to drop a serious sea pickle.

Or

Excuse me…Miss Johnson? I’ve got a Rock Python on deck that could choke the shit out of a horse. Permission to uncoil please.

Or

Excuse me…Miss Johnson? I’ve got to drop some wolf bait. I mean seriously I’ve got barbarians at the gate. This is no joke. I’m taking the Browns to the Super Bowl. Have to fire off a missile…Grow a tail… I’m doin the shit shuffle over here. Code brown!

Again, this is just a small sample of what we were able to come up with. What do you suppose she could have said? God bless her little heart..